Be a seed, not a victim.

“Resilience is not a fixed personality trait. It’s a LIFELONG project.”
– Adam Grant-

This quote hit me like a ton of bricks.

My resilience project did not begin when Nick died, and it will not end now that things are becoming less sharp. I have read and learned a lot about resilience, and when I read this quote, I realized just how important it is to remind people that we can get through anything as long as we NEVER give up.

On April 18th I went to see my surgeon for my post surgery follow up. I was so fucking nervous, and I had to mentally prepare myself for what she was going to say. I had no idea what was going to be discussed, but I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be good.

My healing has been far from desirable, and I am not even sure if I feel any different at this point, so when my surgeon said, “it was really bad,” I was not surprised.

She showed me pictures of what a healthy reproductive system was supposed to look like and then she proceeded to show me what mine looked like. I couldn’t help but break out into tears. She looked at me and said, “Oh honey don’t cry, you are so much better now than you were before.”

For some reason that wasn’t enough.

My ovaries are hanging on to dear life quite literally, and I am not even sure if they will be able to do their job. It’s likely one will have to be removed and my uterus; well my uterus needs a break as it has been fighting this disease for so many years now.

“You will likely need a hysterectomy at some point to alleviate the pain, but for now I think we should put you on Lupron.”

So what does this mean for fertility?

When I first met my surgeon in January 2016, she told me she would stand on her head to make sure Nick and I had a healthy baby of our own. Now she can do nothing but shrug her shoulders and says, “for now we need to give your body a break, and we need to make sure you heal.”

I absolutely adore my surgeon, and I trust her without a doubt, but now I have to decide if I want to continue on this journey of chronic pain, or chance taking a drug that will put me into early menopause. It is only temporary, but I have heard the side effects are horrendous.

Will I ever have my own babies? At this point; I really don’t know, and it’s not looking promising.

Here are my options.

I live, or I don’t.

I have been saying this all along and even now that I have yet another bump in the road I have to make the decision to live. I have to live fearlessly, and I have to live full.

I am devastated.

I am devastated that I didn’t receive the relief that I was hoping to receive from my surgery. I am devastated that my body, in the shape that it is now, can not possibly carry a baby to full term because it is an absolute war zone. The good news is my tubes look fantastic. 😉

As much as I wanted to come home from my appointment that day, crack a bottle of wine, and curl up in my bed and die, I didn’t. I didn’t because I knew that this was just another part of my story. I survived the death of my fiancé, and you can bet your ass I am going to survive this; even though I don’t particularly like it and I certainly don’t think it’s fair.

What is fair anyway?

I have been hanging my hat in Scott’s place the last little while, and I know my parents are wondering if I will ever come home. At this point, I really don’t know because right now, I am loving being here with him, and building memories that are so precious. I adore him and his girls, and I am so grateful for the time we have been able to spend together.

Leaving home at thirty-one is very different than when you are twenty. Leaving home at twenty was easy, and I had nothing but good times ahead of me. Leaving home at thirty-one I realize there are plenty of good times ahead of me, but there may also be some very dark times too. At thirty-one you realize just how much you need your parents and you realize just how scary the world can actually be.

On April 24th my Mom lets me know that the Coroners Report arrived in the mail. April 24th was the first day that I was beginning a hormone reset diet which meant NO alcohol and NO meat for the first three days minimum.

Of course the first day I consciously decide not to drink alcohol the Coroners report arrives in the mail. Why wouldn’t this happen?

I didn’t drink.

I haven’t really thought about this report since the night the Coroner called me about the infamous video. The night I was having a relaxing bath one minute to feeling the ultimate betrayal the next.

I haven’t read the Coroners Report yet and neither have my parents. We intend on doing this together.

This is the story of Nick’s death.

I am terrified.

“Resilience is not a fixed personality trait. It’s a LIFELONG project.”

Now, do you understand why this quote hit me like a ton of bricks?

I know I am not alone in this journey of absolute chaos. I know I am not the only one who has received a fair bit of black roses and I know this is exactly how it’s meant to be.

Fair or not, this is what it’s meant to be.

It’s Monday today and Monday’s suck. I am sure many of you came home from work with the Monday blues and made a decision that the week following was going to be awful because a few minutes of “shittiness” today has dictated that for you.

PLEASE DON’T FALL INTO THAT TRAP.

One bad Monday does not dictate your whole week;

-and-

One bad experience does not dictate your whole life.

If this were the case, please tell me how I have made it this far?

Resiliency -The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties.

You are not born with resiliency, and it is not something you can buy, but like Adam Grant has said it is a learned quality and requires lifelong practice.

I am so thankful for my insight and my outlook on this life. I am so grateful that I have been able to see the good in the bad and the light in the dark. If I hadn’t made a choice to do this, I would have died either from lack of nutrition or by my own hand.

Please take a moment on this Monday evening to put away what has caused you grief today, and be grateful for what you have waiting for you tomorrow, even if tomorrow is all it is.

Listen to me when I say this. It comes from the deepest parts of my soul and from a genuine heart. I truly believe in what I preach, and I don’t want anyone else to learn it the hard way.

Shanda and I got new ink on Friday, and I can speak for both of us when I say this is one of the truest statements we have ever read.

“They tried to bury us; they didn’t know we were seeds.”

They = Demons
Us = Warriors

Be a seed, not a victim.

Live Fearlessly

❤ Meg

 

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