I have a final exam next week, and I have been studying my butt off for the last couple weeks. I am sure I am going to do fine, but in all honestly, I have never been good at calming myself down when I have any kind of test coming up. Test anxiety? I’d say.
Today I rolled my butt out of bed just before 9 am. Brutal I know but I was really comfy, and it’s Saturday so after Scott left I dozed off. My psychologist always said the words, “be kind to yourself,” so this was my way of being kind.
When I finally got myself downstairs to my office, I was completely distracted with this itch to write. Not just to write a blog but to open up my journals, gather up my sticky notes, and actually sit down and start a draft of my “one of many” books I want to write in this lifetime.
I, of course, kept ignoring my urge because I needed to study.
It didn’t go away, and the only way for me to make it go away is for me to surrender ever so slightly. I set my timer for two hours and gave myself permission to start getting some words down.
Just over an hour later I had my first 1000 words written for my first chapter, of my first book. I am sure it is one of a billion drafts I will write but in that short hour I had a whirlwind of emotions, and it’s only just the beginning. I knew exactly what I wanted the first chapter to be about. I’ve known this for a while now, but I have been terrified to sit down and write about it. Each time I re-visit those experiences, it is so painful.
I have been asked multiple times over the last year and a half when I was going to write a book, but I knew that I needed to be in a mentally stable place before I could. It is one thing to write a blog about the emotions and experiences I am going through at that moment and yet another to sit down and intentionally go back to them.
I am happy to say it has officially begun and I am really excited about it.
The purpose of this blog today is to reach out to everyone with a few questions. When Nick died, I was desperate to find a book that would “fix” everything. I learned very quickly there is no such thing and there is no App for that either.
I remember sitting in my living room one day looking at my phone, and I said, “there has got to be an App for this, there is an App for everything.” My Mom asked, “an App for what?”, I said to make my life less shitty. My nephew who was twelve at the time said, “Auntie, only you can make your life better.” My first thought was, what a little shit, he has no idea; but now I know he was right.
Anyway, I was desperate. I was desperate to find that self-help book that would make things even just a little easier. I didn’t need everything to be fixed, because let’s face it, the only way anyone could have fixed it was to bring Nick back. All I wanted was a little guidance and a little bit of hope from someone who “get’s it.” I was so lucky to have met several women along the way who changed the direction of my healing journey.
Here are my questions.
1. If you have experienced loss, what is one thing you wish you had known early on in your grief?
2. If you have experienced loss, what is one thing someone did that made things just a little bit easier?
3. If you have been reading my blogs from the beginning, what is something that completely resonated with you? (I pull some of my blogs for this project but most of this book will be from my journals).
4. If you have watched someone grieve, what was the one thing or many things you struggled with, that you wished you could have done better or sooner? (trust me you probably did a lot more good than you think you did so don’t feel guilty, no one has a manual for this shit).
My first book is going to incorporate a lot of things I have learned through my own journey and my always growing relationship with death and resilience. I want to try and fill in some of the gaps that I found while reading books on grief and life after loss. I want people to be able to read this book and feel less alone, more hopeful, and motivated to keep on going because life can still move forward and death of a loved one does not have to define or destroy you. It took me a long time to believe this. At least it felt like a long time for me.
Feel free to private message me or text or call or whatever you would like. Everyone knows the saying, “it takes a village to raise a child,” while I believe the same goes for helping someone recover from tragedy. “It takes a village to keep someone who is grieving alive and a village to bring joy back into their lives.”
I look forward to connecting with you during this project, and I can’t wait to get it all out.