Five Months

As I sit down to type this blog, I can’t seem to figure out where the last five months have gone. In one way it seems like forever ago and in another, it feels like it was only yesterday that I experienced the worst day of my life. Although, what I find very interesting, now five months later, is that I refer to February 20, 2016, as the worst day of my life; but it wasn’t. Looking back now, I realize, I was so numb that day and I barely felt anything after the first initial shock of the words, “Nick didn’t make it.” The days following February 20th, and the days still, are filled with a pain that I can no longer rely on my body’s protective instincts to mask.

Five months later and Nick is still gone. I have done a lot of things over the last five months, and I will be the first to admit, some of the things I have done, have even been fun. Yes, I have had fun. I have smiled, I have belly laughed, I have actually felt excitement about some of my plans. The only problem is, through all of those days and emotions, I still feel so so sad, and I miss Nick so so much. I miss Nick more and more every single day. I know that I will never stop missing him, but I wonder if someday the pain of missing him won’t sting so bad because right now, beneath the smile and laughter, is so much hurt that Nick isn’t here to enjoy this life with me anymore.

This past weekend I did something I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to do. I went to Craven Country Jamboree. Going to Craven is a family tradition that Nick was able to enjoy with us for the last two years, and boy did he enjoy it. Nick and I shared a love of country music, and there was nothing him and I loved more than going to country music concerts together. Sledding may top it a little bit, but as far as activities we did together, this was definitely at the top.

I realized something in the last five months, and that is, even if I try to avoid a certain event because I am afraid it is going to hurt too much, it’s still going to hurt. It’s going to hurt whether I am there or not because the reality is, I was supposed to be there, with my best friend and the love of my life, and instead I am not. One thing I have learned is that missing the opportunity to build memories with my family and my friends is not going to make Nick come back, and it’s not going to make this feel better. All it’s going to do is result in me missing out on making memories. 

That is all.

Here is what I know. Life is unfair, and life is hard. I still lay in bed at night and I cry. I cry because I miss Nick so much. I cry because I was supposed to be a glowing bride to be, enjoying all of the festivities that happen in the year approaching your wedding, and then the beautiful day itself. I cry because I am spending hours each day planning for my honeymoon I am going on by myself, and that is so unfair. I cry because Nick deserved so much more. He deserved an amazing life, and he worked so hard to create one. I cry because my family and my closest friends have to walk through this with me, and I feel for them so much because it hurts them too. I cry because I want to hold Nick and kiss him more than you will ever be able to imagine (unless you have experienced THIS type of loss). All loss is horrible and unfair, and I would never place a score on which one is more difficult, but this is the only one I can speak about right now, and right now all I want is the man I was in love with to come back so I can hold him, because this time; I won’t let go. 

I know this isn’t going to happen. I lay in bed at night, and I tell myself this over and over and over. Nick is not coming back, and I need to move forward; for both of us. I continue to do this but damn it’s hard.

What I know is this. I have some sort of life ahead of me, at least I think I do, and although I don’t know what that looks like yet, I am trying to look forward to finding out. There are a lot of decisions I need to make in the next little while, and I know a lot of the decisions I am going to make are not going to be the right ones according to some people. 

Here is the best part; it doesn’t matter what they think. This is my story, and only I have to approve. The only thing I HAVE to do right now, that I can’t change, is take care of my sweet dogs. They aren’t going anywhere. Everything else in my life is nothing but a job, a house, and a few nice things. All of that can change, and my life can still be beautiful. My life with Nick was amazing , but maybe it can be even better now because I have opened up my eyes and became willing to explore the true possibilities of this life. I am not scared, and a part of me is excited, because when you have already lost what is truly important, you no longer have anything to lose. The world can be your oyster, and those “risks” are no longer that terrifying. I am scared to live my life without Nick but I am not scared of change.
This weekend at Craven I was lucky enough to have experienced Zach Brown Band live. As someone who has been to hundreds of concerts over the years, I have to say, they are now at the top of my list. Nick and I were so excited to see this show, and they did not disappoint. One of the songs they sang was called “Tomorrow Never Comes” and I have no doubt I was meant to hear this performance. I shared the video of it on my facebook, and it was truly inspiring.

My gut and my heart are telling me to make a particular decision about something in my life and I have been putting it off and putting it off, but when I heard this performance from Zach Brown Band, I thought to myself, this has got to be a sign. This is my kick in the ass. This is me being in a certain place, at a certain time, receiving a certain message, and that message is, I don’t know what will happen as a result of my decisions but according to Zach Brown, “That is the beauty in life’s mystery.”

Today is July 20th, and it has been five months. In honor of Nick, please share a story of him. Talk to each other about him. Even though he may be gone, he should always be remembered and you should never be afraid to bring him up in conversation. That is how we keep those who are gone, alive.

Goodnight all. xoxo

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