Love and “Being”

A couple of days ago someone shared with me the “filtered” message section on my Facebook account. I had no idea this was yet another area messages went to that you can’t see unless you go looking for them. I was amazed by what I found. I had several messages from people I hadn’t spoke to in years and individuals who knew Nick that I had never even heard of. I started going through them and within seconds, I had a face full of tears.

“Your fiancé was one of my favorite people on this planet.”

“If it wasn’t for people like him that helped me I wouldn’t be where I am today.”

“An incredible guy with such a big heart. ”

These were just a few of the things people reached out to tell me. I can only hope that Nick now knows the amount of love people had for him. All Nick ever wanted was for his family and friends to love him, and he often struggled with this. I said to him so many times, “Nick how could anyone not love you?” I contemplated writing about this because I didn’t want to share something so personal to Nick, but at the same time, I think it is important to talk about what we do wrong sometimes as humans.

I know I have mentioned this before but why do we always wait until someone is gone to talk about how much they meant to us? I am guilty of it too, and I am trying to make a conscious effort to make sure I tell people what they mean to me, but sometimes the embarrassment of it all keeps us from doing it. So here is my suggestion. I have started writing down the things people have done for me in the last two and a half months. I can’t possibly blog about all of the greatness I have seen from the people in mine and Nick’s life because it would take me days, but I have made a list, and when I find the energy I am going to write letters. Sometimes letters can help you to express exactly how you feel, and the letter is something the person you are expressing your feelings to can keep. Sometimes I struggle with just becoming too emotional and I can’t get my words out. Nick was guilty of this too. When he proposed his eyes just filled up with tears, and all he said was “will you marry me” with a big grin on his face. Later that evening he said, “dammit I had all these things I wanted to say to you and I just couldn’t”. I honestly believe this is why Nick left me notes every day. Nick will never have to regret not telling me enough how much he loved me because he did this daily with his notes. I am here to say; those notes will get me through the life I now have to live without my sweet Nick.

I have been home in Medicine Hat for the last week and a half, and it has been an emotional ride. So many have said to me, “you must find such comfort being home.” This used to be true, but now I find it next to impossible to find comfort anywhere. The last time I was home before Nick died I was talking wedding with all of my friends, and now, well, we cry a lot.

I met up with two of my old crew mates for beer, and I am telling you it was like nothing even changed, except for it did. I had a great night with them, and we laughed so hard we cried. I was able to forget for a moment that my life had been flipped upside down and just enjoy the visit. The problem is, I can have those moments and as soon as I get home, and I crawl into my empty bed I am reminded that things have changed. No matter how hard I try to be okay, it always hits me so hard the minute I go to cuddle up with Nick and tell him about my day, and he isn’t there.

Last night I met up with Lindsay, Greg, and Amanda. We had some drinks, but Lindsay declined because she said she still hadn’t recovered from the three beers she had a few days ago. Amanda talked about Bingo, and I sat there and said, “what the hell has happened to us?” Lindsay can’t drink because she still felt sick from the three beers from days ago, Amanda is going to bingo, and I am a damn widow. Sometimes all you can do is laugh, and that is exactly what we did. Greg still makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts, and I don’t think this will ever change. No matter what is going on in any of our lives, we all still find a way to just “be” together. Sometimes answering the question “how are you” is the hardest thing to do. What is easy though is just being in the moment with those who are comfortable with whatever happens. If it’s time to laugh we laugh if it’s time to cry we cry, and if it’s time to get into a heated conversation about religion because we are desperately trying to figure out what to believe, well dammit, that is what we will do. If you are wondering how to be there for someone who is grieving, it’s that easy.

Amanda told me she was having a conversation about The Long Island Medium with her husband. Amanda and I are both planning to see the Long Island Medium in Lethbridge, and although no one ever really knows, Amanda and I are very much believers. Amanda said her husband wasn’t sure if he believed in it or not and she said to him, “well what if someone comes through and needs me to pass on a message to someone?” When the conversation ended Amanda continued to unload the dishwasher, and all of a sudden caught herself singing the song Cheerleader. As I have said before, this song is one that Nick and I loved listening to. Amanda said she never listens to this song and has no idea how it could have ended up in her head unless it was Nick. She said she just felt a connection with him and had to tell me. This brought tears to my eyes because Nick always knew I was his cheerleader and he still does.

Lindsay said she had been noticing quotes on her laptop and on her Facebook feed that have all seemed so relevant. She said that they just kept popping up, and so she started following the author on Instagram. She felt the need to buy me one of his books. She gave it to me last night. I said to her that is so strange. Nick loved quotes. He followed an Instagram page that always had positive quotes, and he insisted our friend Karyn start following it when she was going through a rough time. I asked Karyn what the page was that Nick told her to follow, and when I looked it up, there were several of the same quotes from this Author.

So I am not sure what to say. Is this a coincidence? Some would say yes, and that I am convincing myself that these signs are from Nick when really it is only a fluke, or it is some other higher power. People have the right to believe whatever they want, but when you go through something like this it is impossible to believe that your loved ones are just gone and that they aren’t guiding you through this darkness somehow. Nick was my soulmate, and we helped each other through everything. Over the time Nick and I were together, I gave him lots of advice on how to deal with some of the stressors he had in his life, and we always helped each other feel better. There is no doubt in my mind that Nick is still helping me. I know I can’t see him, and I know I don’t always drag myself out of the darkness right away, but I know that he is there, and I know he wants me to be okay.

My moral of the story today is to find a way to express your love before it’s too late and figure out a way to feel comfortable just “being” with your loved ones no matter what the circumstances are. I have seen some of the most incredible acts of kindness in the last two and a half months and one of the things that has brought me the most comfort is when I look at someone, and they have tears in their eyes and no words. The beauty is, twenty seconds later we can be laughing about something as random as “what did you do with the spoon”.

Thank you, everyone, for your love, support, wine, and pizza. Don’t forget to share your love with those that mean the most to you and if you have a moment and some spare cash, send a donation to the Canadian Red Cross. My heart hurts for those in Fort McMurray and it just goes to show we never know what can happen, and all you can do is find strength in yourself and those around you to get you through.


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