I have only shared one of my entries on this blog since I began the class, Writing Your Grief. Many of the prompts have lead me into an area of writing that I am not sure most people would be able to read. It has taken me to the darkest parts of my grief but also the truest parts of my pain and for now, I am going to keep those dear to me as they are extremely personal.
Day 22, however, is a prompt that I skipped over for a few days. We were asked to write in the voice of our loved one who had passed and described what they would say to us relating to their death and the afterlife. I skipped over this prompt because as many of you know, this area causes me so much trauma. I have mentioned before that the thought of an Avalanche aggressively carrying Nick down the mountain and burying him under hard packed snow is the hardest thing for me to release from my mind.
Last night I laid awake until at least 5:30 in the morning. I cried and cried and cried so hard for Nick. I just wanted him to come lay down with me for even just a moment so he could tell me that all these things I am imagining are so far from reality. This pain was triggered by the storm I had found myself in earlier in the day. I used to love storms but now I know how quickly things can change by the hands of Mother Nature. I need him so badly to tell me that he is okay, and he did not suffer. No matter how many times I tell myself that Nick is okay now, and he is safe, the images always find a way of fighting their way back into my head. It’s called PTSD, and yes you will suffer from PTSD if someone you love experiences something traumatic. Even if it doesn’t result in death. There are different treatments for this, and I am in the process of being connected to the right professionals to help me, but for today I will write.
What I hope Nick would tell me if he could:
Babe, I am safe now, and you are safe because I am with you when you are awake, and I hold you while you sleep. I need to tell you what happened that day on the mountain. I didn’t want to tell you before because I didn’t want you to be angry with me. When the mountain broke, I knew I was going to be leaving my physical body and going home. I am not sure how to explain this to you because it doesn’t make sense to those who are still having a human experience. When I jumped on my sled and tried to run, I wasn’t running from the Avalanche; I was heading home. I wasn’t scared; I was so excited. My Grandparents were there too, and they helped me leave my body and guide me home where there were so many people waiting for me. I had no idea how many people loved me. When Brad and Bill found me, I was watching them. I felt so bad for them because no one should have to go through that, but I knew that someday I would be able to tell them that I was okay. When the helicopter took them off the mountain, I was with them. I know you have terrible nightmares of me waking up after the helicopter left my body out there but Babe, I wasn’t there, I was with you, and I was with everyone who loved me. I watched everyone as they cried and I know it hurt so much for all of you but watching the love everyone had for me has strengthened my soul.
I thought you would be mad because I chose to leave. I chose to go to this magnificent place I am now. I chose to be here instead of with you. Babe, you need to understand that this place is amazing, and I learned very quickly that I could be here, and with you, and that I didn’t have to choose one or the other. You will understand this someday. I promise.
I need you to know that the moment you walked through your kitchen that day and asked yourself, “why do I feel like this?” it was because I was holding you. I was already gone at that point, and I was holding you so that the phone call wouldn’t shock you. Your Auntie Nadine was holding you too. She is an amazing woman by the way, and your Grandma and three Grandfathers here look amazing, and they are so healthy and so happy. They see you too. I am still here for you. When Ashley told you we were in an Avalanche, you weren’t surprised, and you knew I was gone. You said you knew I wasn’t going to be okay, but I need you to understand that I am better than okay. I am home, and I am safe in a place where you will be too when you are finished your journey. You are going to do amazing things my love and your Aunt told you that too just days before she died. Remember?
I heard you and Sarah praying on the phone, and it made me smile, and it made me feel so much love. I watched you run out of Bill’s Mom’s house to pray for me, and I felt it. You see when people talk about me and pray for me I feel this amazing high. I can’t explain it, but you will see someday what I mean.
Babe, I told you so many times that if I had to die young, I wanted it to be in the mountains. I had no idea it would actually end up that way. I am so happy, and I want you to love those mountains still no matter what because as you know, I am there. I am always there. I am wherever you are, I promise.
I have been watching you, and holding you, through all of this, and I am so happy. I am so happy you loved me so intensely while I was in my physical body, and that you love me even more now. I feel it babe and I always will until I see you again.
I love you, and you’re awesome.
Ps. you will not believe how many chicken wings I can eat here. Just wait you will see.