The Gift of Courage

My facebook memory today says the following:

“There is nothing more painful than going from writing ideas for your vows to writing a Eulogy for the love of your life.”

I think back on how difficult this task was. My Uncle Nelson tried multiple times to sit down with me to write it, and I just kept putting it off. I couldn’t seem to grasp the thought of me writing a Eulogy for Nick’s funeral. How is this even possible? Nick is thirty for fuck sakes, and I was just talking to him about our vows one week before this.

I remember after I wrote it, and read it the night before the funeral to my family, my Grandma looked up with tears in her eyes and said, “that was the most beautiful story I have ever heard, and it only took you twenty minutes to write. I know because I timed you”. As horrible at it is, that will go down as one of the cutest memories I will cherish of my Grandma.

One year ago as you all know, I thought my life was completely over. I had no idea that I would end up writing through this journey and it would start with that Eulogy.

I had so many people tell me how beautiful the Eulogy was written and how it truly celebrated Nick. I had so many say, “how did you do it,” “you seemed so calm,” “you got through it so well.”

To be honest, I look back now, and I have no clue.

When Nick died, I knew it couldn’t be the end of me, but one year ago I did not think I was coming out of this alive.

Boy did I show “that girl.”

I don’t even know that girl anymore. I know I once loved being her, but I have no idea who she is or how she managed to fight her way out of this, but she contributed to who I am now, and for that I am grateful.

Today I sit here on the couch at Shanda and Jarod’s house as I recover from my long overdue surgery. I am not going to lie; I was quite prepared to die in this surgery as I had so many crazy dreams about it but the psychic assured me that I had a beautiful future ahead, so I had to come up with a plan B.

Plan B= Living

The day before the surgery was filled with anxiety. I had nothing but trust in my surgeon, and I believe she is an angel sent from God, but I was still terrified.

Shanda dropped me off at the hotel near the hospital where I would stay with my parents. When I checked in, the receptionist commented on how beautiful my ring was. He said, “diamonds are forever.” He then went on to say, “Megan is a lucky girl and proceeded again to say diamonds are forever.”

Oh boy.

Shanda and I just looked at each other and tried very hard not to laugh. Sometimes you have to just laugh because if you don’t life would be excruciatingly sharp and miserable. One year ago this may have become a crisis, and I may have knocked his teeth out but that day, I smiled and agreed. I am a lucky girl, and diamonds are indeed forever.

The morning of the surgery I checked in, and they asked me if Nick’s contact information was still the same. Reality strikes many times when you lose a loved one. You never know when you are going to be caught off guard and forced to come up with something to say rather than bawling your face off. All I said is, “It’s no longer the same, please just call my Mother.”

You see I have learned throughout this last year that it is not the ignorant stranger’s fault they aren’t aware that your fiance died tragically. It’s not their fault, and sometimes they are going to ask or say things that make you want to scream, but I have also learned that this is just part of the journey.

Sometimes I like to read people and determine if I can get a way with being a little shit and fucking with them, (which is super fun to do), but sometimes it’s just not appropriate.

Like for example when Jarod announces in the middle of Save on Foods that he has two wives and Shanda, and I just go along with it. At that moment I would love to have a giant meltdown in the middle of the snacks aisle and explain that he has two wives now because my husband is dead and Shanda was a nice enough friend to share, but again let me remind you;

It may be fun for us, but not so much for those who find this world of grief completely foreign and uncomfortable.

Regardless, thank you, Shanda and Jarod, for making this last week a blast, who knew recovering from surgery could be so much fun, and for the record, I have a few great friends who have been kind enough to share their husbands.

For most things 😉

I do plan to write more about my surgery and recovery, but I am going to be labeling it as “Girls only.” I mean I don’t care if men choose to read it but let me warn you, you might regret it. Recovery was a doozie, but there were some funny parts to it that I would like to share for the many women who will appreciate it.

The reason I wanted to write today was that of the epiphany I had when I read my Facebook memory this morning. It is so hard to believe how far I have come and here is what I mean.

Things can happen very fast in the world of grief. It only takes one thought, one memory, one smell or song, or one ah ha moment to make you change your entire outlook on your current situation.

Between my surgery and getting through that while maintaining a positive attitude and reliving some of the moments from a year ago, I have realized deep within myself that I AM A FUCKING WARRIOR.

Now I don’t say that to pump my own tires. I say that because it is crucial for people who have been shattered to eventually experience that realization. If you don’t, you will continue to fall victim to your demons and never get out alive.

I am looking at Nick’s death extremely different now. I haven’t shared anything from my experience with the medium yet, and at some point, I intend to, but for now I am going off the pure fact that I am aware now that my life is going to be outstanding, bumpy, beautiful, and worth it.

I am looking at Nick’s death now as a gift. The gift of courage.

This in no way means I don’t miss him like crazy and that I wouldn’t do anything to bring him back but the fact is, he ain’t coming back, and there are only two options I have now.

Live Full or Live empty.

Anyone who has been through this likely knows what I mean by living empty.

I have spent the last week dreaming, planning, and goal setting with two people who truly get it. Two people who I have been so blessed to have met, even though it took the Universe a few tries.

I truly believe Nick’s death has been a gift to many of us and if we choose to look at it that way, amazing things are going to happen. This doesn’t mean we can’t still cry because you can bet your ass I am still going to cry. I miss him a lot, and that will never change, but he is coming with us on this journey, and I feel that now more than ever.

When I woke up from my surgery, I was crying. The nurse asked me if I was okay and if I needed more for the pain. I said I am okay; I just had a dream about Nick. She responded by saying, “would you like me to call him.” All I thought was;

Boy, I wish you could, but you don’t have to because he is here.

There is a quote that has been said multiple times the last few days in this house that is said by a man who inspires us in a profound way to do better.

“Live every fucking day for those who can’t” – Mat Best-

Nick’s death was a gift that I intend to share with everyone, and I am so blessed to have friends who have also had to face tragedy, adversity, and demons and who have “chosen” to come out and who have “chosen” to grow and work towards helping others.

“In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends.” – John Churton Collins-

and this

“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.” – unknown-

<3 Meg

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