“Fucktober”

I have been trying to pack for my trip but the last time I was packing, which was for Vegas, my phone rang and my world flipped upside down. My plan that day was to meet Julie in Medicine Hat, and we were going to drive to Great Falls that night. My Mom was on her way to Calgary to pick me up. I had no idea how important it was going to be that my Mom was on her way. When I found out the news, she was less than 30 minutes away. What a horribly painful day.

It’s October 1st, and I leave my house in 5 days. I haven’t packed a thing because I am terrified. There has got to be an App for that.

It poured last night. Like really poured. I left the window open any way because there was something about the rain that directly matched the way I was feeling about this month beginning today. They always say when it rains it pours.

October, AKA Fucktober.

I have always loved October. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the beautiful colors, the crisp air, and the beginning of the holidays, which have always been important in my family. This year will be the first year in my whole life that I am away from my family on Thanksgiving.

I met Nick for the first time on October 27, 2013. We had been talking for about a week online, and he finally convinced me to meet up with him. To be honest, I had just finished reading a book called “The Single Girl,” and I was feeling so empowered. I agreed to go on a Sunday lunch date. Little did I know I was going to fall head over heals for this guy. My track record up to this point with men was pretty pathetic, so I wasn’t that hopeful, and I didn’t much care because this book I had just read made me want to be single until the end of time. They always say when you stop looking you find it and boy were “they” right. I actually felt like I was cheating on my book when I realized I wanted to see Nick for a second date.

Our second date ended up being that night when I asked him to meet me at the corner between our houses to go for a walk with my dogs and me. Nick and I conveniently lived very close to each other. We shared our first kiss that night on the corner of McKenzie Towne Dr and Promenade Way.

I knew at that moment; I had been found.

Just about two years later on October 23, 2015, Nick planned a beautiful proposal, which I kind of fucked up because I had been working on a really big file the week prior at work and by Friday I was absolutely exhausted. We were going to Banff that weekend, and I couldn’t wait because all I wanted to do was get as far away from Calgary and just sleep.

I didn’t pack anything; I forgot my toothbrush, and none of that really mattered because I didn’t plan on changing out of my pajamas.

Nick insisted we at least go to the Maple Leaf Grille which was our favorite restaurant. We had a beautiful dinner, and the food was amazing, but I was practically falling asleep at the table. I suggested we go back to the hotel and relax in the hot tub. Nick suggested going for a walk first, which wasn’t out of the ordinary.

As I am typing this, I can barely see the screen because my eyes are filled with tears. Tears of sadness but also grateful tears. I had no idea that on this walk Nick was going to do what he did. It’s funny because just about a week before this my partner Sarah asked me if I thought I would know if Nick were going to propose. I said oh ya, there is no way he could plan something like that without me noticing his stress and anxiety.

I was wrong.

Nick took me to the pedestrian bridge in Banff, wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. He was smiling like crazy. He told me to close my eyes. I knew at this point what was about to happen. We had a bit of an adventure on the way to the bridge, so I was still a bit jacked up from that but the minute Nick told me to close my eyes I felt calm.

When I opened them, Nick was on one knee, and his eyes were filled with tears. He held it together and was grinning from ear to ear.

I am going to be quite honest, I still to this day don’t remember saying yes. He says I did, but all I remember doing was hugging him and then kissing him and then hugging and kissing.

I was no longer tired. 😉

The standard response when I told people I was engaged was Hallejulah. I finally met a man strong enough to handle my strong minded and assertive personality. I have been told by ex-boyfriends that I am stubborn and bull headed which is true, but I just needed a man who could handle it.

Nick handled it like a champ, and I know everyone in my life would agree.

We loved October so it made sense that we would get married in October. When we checked out Cornerstone Theatre in Canmore for a potential venue Nick was so enthusiastic. It was adorable. I have never seen a man so interested in choosing a wedding venue before. Those that were with us, would you agree? I knew we had to pick that place and it was beautiful and perfectly matched our rustic style. I was actually sold because I loved the bathrooms. 😉

I am leaving on my trip in less than a week, and something that has become very clear to me over the last few days is that I am not the only one feeling anxious about October 14th.

I have talked to many of you this week, and we have shared tears thinking about that day, but for those of you reading this, please try to enjoy it.

Nick was so excited about the party.

We aren’t going to have a wedding anymore, but it doesn’t mean we can’t honor Nick that day and party like crazy. Have some twisted teas, throw on some country music, and dance your heart out.

That is what Nick would want, and that is what I will be doing. Minus the twisted teas of course.

If I don’t get to see some of you before I go, know that I love you and I will be thinking about all of you that day, just like you will be thinking of me. I know the day will be heavy for all of us, but it can still be beautiful.

Let’s make it beautiful.

Calendar entry for today:

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” – Lao Tzu-

This holds some truth for me. I have to let go of the bride to be status. I am not a bride to be. I am not going to be Nick’s wife. I am not going to be the Mother of his children.

I am a woman on a journey to finding herself again, and I can feel myself getting closer and closer to being found.

❤ xoxo

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