I had no idea how difficult life would be without Nick. Before I met Nick, I was a very independent woman who took pride in the fact that I didn’t need anyone and I could take care of myself. After being with someone for two and a half years that independence eventually slips away. I was very dependent on Nick emotionally, financially, and physically.
Working through the death of my fiancé, my life partner, is bar none the most difficult thing I will ever have to do. At least I hope so because I don’t think I could handle much more pain than this. The hardest part, though, is when the person you lose, is the one person you shared every single day with and every single experience with. It leaves you feeling very lost and very alone. The one person I want to hug, and hold, and talk me through all of this, is the one person who is gone.
I have had to deal with legal matters, funeral matters, financial matters, all in which I have no control over because Nick and I failed to get everything in order, and had it on the to-do list, right there with buy more eggs. It’s funny because we talked about Nick getting a will on numerous occasions but I can tell you quite honestly it was never something we thought we would need anytime soon. When you are in the middle of planning your future together how can you fully comprehend that one day something might happen, and one of you may die? That is my reality, and I still can’t accept it. Nick and I only lived together for two years, and Alberta Law states three years to be considered an interdependent relationship. Nick and I have been 100% dependent on each other for two and a half years. We have been dividing all of our bills completely in half and sharing the cost for two years. How can anyone be more dependent than that? Nick and I rarely purchased anything without asking the other whether it would fit in the budget. We were well on our way to being completely debt free by the time we were 35. That was our goal, and we were very careful how we spent money.
I am now depending on my Dad to help me pay my bills because Alberta Law says I wasn’t dependent on Nick. The point of this is not to get pity. I will figure it out and like I always said to Nick, it will all work out in the end. The point in sharing this is to remind everyone that even though it will never happen to us, it will. Please make sure you are prepared. I know it is so hard to have these types of discussions; you don’t want to imagine it could happen, but you will be happy you did if it does.
On February 12, 2016, I posted on Facebook, “I’m pretty lucky this week!! Trip to Vegas, ticket to Johnny Reid!! Weeeehooooo! I was so incredibly happy and had so many things to look forward to. On February 13, 2016, Nick and I spent the day out at Elbow Falls. It was a gorgeous day as you can see in the picture. We had so much fun with the dogs and loved being out there together. We came home that night and had a fire pit in our back yard. Nick and I were living the dream, and we were so in love.
I had no idea in a matter of one week I was going to be alone. I know everyone says you are not alone, everyone is here for you, but what I mean when I say alone is I no longer have “my person.” I loved Nick so much my heart physically hurts. We spent all day long for two and a half years talking via text. Neither one of us could get through the day without talking. Even when Nick was sledding, he would find any opportunity to contact me if he had any ounce of service. How do you adjust to your day when you can no longer talk to the person who meant the world to you. We would text each other random things, what we were doing, how we were feeling, what we should do that night, you name it we talked about it. Nick and I had such a routine that the last 17 days have felt like he has just been away. I am just waiting for Nick to come back so we can get on with our lives. Every morning I wake up I am reminded that Nick is not coming back. Nick kissed me every morning on my forehead and said I love you. Some days he would say good morning gorgeous, and I would laugh at him because I knew I probably looked terrible. Every morning for the last 17 days I have missed that kiss. I have missed cooking dinner with Nick and having our regular evening conversations about who knows what. I am reminded every day that this is over, and that is the most painful part.
I received an e-mail from the Knot yesterday saying “221 more days.” When we created our wedding website, it automatically started a countdown. 221 more days until the day that I am reminded that I no longer get to marry my best friend. My wedding dress hanging in the spare bedroom that I purchased on January 16th is a daily reminder that Nick will never get to see me walking down that aisle with tears of joy rolling down my face. The wedding rings I wear on my finger are a daily reminder that we will never be able to exchange those rings, and we will never be able to call each other husband and wife.
Today has been difficult, and it has been filled with reminders. Painful reminders. People keep telling me, don’t worry, you will be happy again. My biggest worry is the day that not having Nick with me any more becomes my normal. I know people mean well when they say things during these times, but I am here to tell you the idea of finally being able to accept that Nick is gone, and my new normal is not having him, is what I fear the most.
For now, I am going embrace the pain, and the sadness and the heartbreak because the reality is none of this would have been that hard if Nick and I weren’t as in love as we were. I will forever be grateful that I was able to experience that type of love. I have heard so many stories from his friends, and they have all told me how much Nick loved me even when I wasn’t around. Nick was so loyal to me, and it just goes to show the type of man he was. I don’t get to spend the rest of my life with Nick, but I find great comfort knowing that he chose to be with me for the rest of his.