Just over a week ago I went to a psychic medium. It was a birthday gift from some of my closest friends. Let me tell you; it truly was a gift.
I am a very spiritual person and have felt Nick as well as other close family members who have passed multiple times, but I am still very skeptical of those who charge money for readings.
With that said; I was absolutely blown away. There is way too much that came out of that reading and a lot of it is very personal, but she knew everything about my relationship with Nick and my struggles since his death. There is no way she could have known a lot of the stuff she brought up, including the fact that I was in a jacuzzi tub the night before.
Ummmmm I didn’t even tell anyone I was getting a jacuzzi suite in Golden because I didn’t want my parents to be mad at me for wasting my money. I did mention to my friend Katie the night I was in the tub that I couldn’t for the life of me get the plug out to drain it. It really made no sense to me that I was struggling with it so bad. Well when the psychic told me Nick was relaxing in the tub with me, it occurred to me;
Nick wasn’t done relaxing and wouldn’t let me drain the water 😉
The main and most important thing I took from the reading was that Nick was with me and he has been with me this entire time. Nick told her things no one could have known and he told her he was so proud of me and he was encouraging me on my new endeavors.
She also explained to me that Nick did not suffer and it was very fast. I gave her nothing on Nick’s death (in fact I gave her nothing at all), and she didn’t even know his name or that he was a snowmobiler, but she got everything right, down to the amount of people that tried to save him.
This reading inspired me in a way that I couldn’t have imagined, which brings me to Fierce Mountain Ranch.
FMR is a dream but it is a dream we know will come true because our sweet Nick is going to be alongside us the whole way.
Shanda and Jarod (my team) met Nick for the first time on January 30, 2016. Of course, Shanda knew all about him as she and I had desks next to each other at work. We talked multiple times about getting the boys together, but life just kept getting in the way. Finally, on January 30, we made it happen.
Jarod and Nick fell in love ;). It was the most disgusting bromance I have ever seen, but we loved it. Something between the two of them just clicked. Not only was it their love for the outdoors but also the drive they both had to create a better life. They talked hunting, fishing, and camping and they made future plans that undoubtedly would have turned into a lasting friendship.
Three weeks later Nick was dead.
My heart hurts for Jarod and the friendship he didn’t get to have with Nick in the physical form, but my heart also knows that Nick met him for a reason. I truly believe Nick needed to meet the two people who were going to become such a vital part of my life. My friends, my lifelines, and my partners.
Fierce Mountain Ranch was developed by talking. Talking about our demons. Talking about other individuals demons and talking about the way we managed to overcome those demons and how we could realistically help others overcome theirs.
It also involved a lot of tears and a lot of, “omg I just got chills”, comments. 😉
As I have blogged before, I had and still have major demons, and I am working my ass off to overcome them, but the one thing I know for sure is there is no fucking way I could have done this alone.
I would have killed myself, and the thought strongly entered my mind multiple times, so much to the point that my bath tub, sleeping pills, and alcohol was my plan the evening the boys brought Nick’s sled home. I had had enough, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I was done.
Luckily for me, I received a message on my facebook that happened to make a dinging noise on my laptop. If I wouldn’t have received this message at the exact moment that I did, I honestly can’t say that I would be sitting here typing this blog.
Typing this blog with a face and shirt full of tears.
Life is so hard, but it is also so beautiful. Shanda, Jarod and I are so incredibly passionate about the ability we have to give back, and we don’t want people to be ashamed. Life is hard; we aren’t expected to be god damn superheroes.
However, with that said sometimes living is far scarier than dying.
Iam no longer afraid of death.
“Whiskey On My Breath” – Love and Theft-
This song hit me so hard. The video even more so. When I watched the video, I was taken back to the early days of my grief. I was the guy in this video to a tee, and I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t stop drinking. There were mornings that I was drinking vodka by 10 am (that is if I got my ass out of bed). In fact, there are a few people who were aware of this because at that point I didn’t give a fuck, and no one could tell me that what I was doing was wrong.
I threw a lot of bottles in the garbage because I was too embarrassed to take the bags of bottles to the recyclables. One day my Dad did it for me, and I can’t even imagine what he must have been thinking.
My twelve-year-old nephew was the first person who truly called me out on my drinking, and I will never forget that day, but I was so fucking mad at him.
Shanda, Jarod and I have a priority. Our priority is to prevent as many people as we can from ending up like the guy in that video, and if they already are, our number one priority will be to bring them back.
Just love and empathy.
The ranch will not be rainbows and butterflies. It will be deep, and it will be dark, but it will be effective.
We will “just be”, and we will not try to fix you. What we will do though is empower you and make sure you know you are not alone, and it can get better.
AND IT WILL
Thank you so much to those who have shown your support already in less than twelve hours of going public. We are happy to answer any questions, take any suggestions, and work with anyone who feels they would benefit from something like this.
xoxoxoxo <3 Meg