Inner Voice

It has been an unusually long time since I wrote anything and I have decided it’s time to give a bit of an update for all of you dedicated readers. Well, here it goes, I am currently living in my parent’s basement. Yup, that’s right, my parent’s basement. In fact, I am living in the same basement I grew up in, and guess what; I love it.

If someone had told me a year ago that in one years time I would be resigning from the police force and moving back into my childhood home, I would have laughed my ass off and told Nick we better start purging because we won’t be able to fit all of our shit in my bedroom.

Yesterday I found out my last hope for financial assistance from Nick’s estate was crushed. Nick’s Pension will also be given to his estate which will eventually go to his Mother. Thank you so much to those who took the time to write and sign statutory declarations on mine and Nick’s behalf. Nick will most definitely thank you one day for trying to help me, and you can go to bed at night knowing that you were loyal to him even post death. My heart breaks that I will receive nothing as I know this is not what Nick would have wanted but I have also been telling myself the following on a daily basis:

“The Universe is happening FOR me not TO me.”

I repeated this multiple times at the kitchen table with my Mom before I broke into tears. Let this be a reminder to get all of your legal things in order. I don’t care if you are 20 or 80. If you have someone you love who you would want to take care of in the event of your death, please please please get something on paper. There are so many things to be learned from Nick’s death, and this is one of them.


Some have asked me what it’s like moving back in with my parents at 31 years old. I am not going lie. It’s pretty freakin awesome. It’s only temporary (I hope), but for now, I am really enjoying waking up and having my morning coffee with the two people who have my back no matter what. Sure my Mom and I still have our spats, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. Sorry Mom, I promise I will stop mixing up the dryer balls and Dad I will try my best to load the dishwasher properly if you promise not to task me with anything before my first coffee.

I spent a week with my friend Jennie, and it was exactly what I needed. I don’t remember the last time Jennie, and I spent that kind of time together, Jennie can you? It was so much fun and much needed. We laughed, we cried, we tried to figure out why the baby wasn’t sleeping and we made a mean grilled cheese.

Every single night ;).

Jennie and I have been friends since we were four and when we relaxed on the couch and reflected on everything we have been through it was like we were kids again playing grown up. It is so hard to believe that this is our life and that we aren’t making airplanes out of juice boxes anymore. Honestly, there were a few times during that week that I thought to myself, “who the hell put us in charge of an 11-month-old”?

1 + 1 = 1 right Jennie? 😉

I haven’t written for a while because I have been spending a lot of time making sense of reality in my head. I have made the decision to resign from policing, and I will be handing in my resignation next week. This, aside from the decisions relating to Nick’s death, has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I will write more on that later, but I really want everyone to know that nothing has ever felt more right in my entire life. I have felt less anxious, and more excited since the day my heart said, “this chapter needs to be closed.” I honestly can not wait for this new adventure. I have no clue what I am going to do, but I promise it will be magical and it will align with my beliefs and my soul. More on that later as well.

I am having my surgery on February 24th. I am scared as hell. Mostly because I have had two dreams where I die in surgery. The dreams are comforting because Nick was in both saying, “come with me now.” I say, “where the hell have you been,” and he responds, “You weren’t done yet.”

Okay, I know this sounds completely absurd, but I wanted to share it just in case. Just in case I don’t wake up, maybe then people will be more open to the real connection souls can have post-death. I really believe Nick and I are connected in a way we never were before. I am not saying I am going to die, but I do like the idea of Nick visiting me while I am under anesthetic, and if I do die, I like that he will be the first handsome face I see.

Lately, I have been focusing a lot on my inner voice. Sometimes things can get ridiculously overwhelming and what seems to be getting me through at this point is going with the first thought that enters my mind. This requires complete trust. This is something that many are afraid to do because sometimes your inner voice suggests things that seem utterly crazy, but it truly is the Universe telling you what to do.

I would never have done this a year ago.

I have been doing this for over two months now, and I would be lying if I said it hadn’t had a drastic impact on my recovery. I am feeling so much better. Yes, I have been taking anti-depressants as well but they are an extremely low dose, and I refuse to attribute all of this healing to them alone. I am learning to live for me and for now, and not for what was or what could be.

My Mom just told me today that I needed to update her every day as to where my head is at because I am all over the map. I know this can be scary for some people to grasp, so I have to thank my parents for just going with it and trusting me. Yes, I am all over the map, but that is because I am planning and dreaming from a clean slate and it’s so exciting.

This clean slate and the ability to be fearless was bestowed upon me as a result of Nick’s untimely death, and I have to take this opportunity and run with it. Nick knows my strength and my stubborness, and I know this is what he would want me to do; for both of us. Please don’t be worried. I have been reading a ton lately, and I can assure you, I am not the first person to “start over.”

Anyway, like I said it had been a while since I have written and I wanted to give a bit of an update, so everyone knows I am okay. I am recharging and in the process of writing this next chapter and I can’t wait to share it with all of you.

“Magic happens when you don’t give up, even though you want to. The Universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart.” -JmStorm-



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