Seven months ago today my life completely changed and those of you who have been following my blog since the beginning have more than likely noticed a vast difference in my words, my emotions, and my understanding of Nick’s untimely death. I have learned so much and I continue to learn.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to write anything today. I thought I am not just going to write something because it’s an anniversary, but then I started thinking about some of the thoughts, and conversations I have had in the last week, and I decided; if I am learning, maybe others can too.
On Friday I had more work done on my tattoo. The sleeve is pretty much completed but will need a few quick add-ins and touch ups after I come back from my trip. There is something so incredibly therapeutic about getting a memorial tattoo. I had a beautiful feather added on the inside of my upper arm and wow, it did not feel good, but as unpleasant as it was, it brought me peace that I was going to have Nick’s memory inked into my skin and he will never be forgotten. Not now, not ever.
I have sat so far for six sittings with my artist. 24 hours we have sat and talked about life, death, pain, meaning, and so many other topics that I am sure you can imagine. We have often uttered the words, “I hate people” but the truth is, we don’t, we just wish some would be different.
I am going to start this portion of the blog with a bit of a disclaimer. As you all know, I don’t tend to hold back much. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. My friend and I were having a very random conversation about my name today. He kept calling me Megan, which I know is my name, but most people don’t call me that unless I am in trouble. No offense Mom and Dad, but I prefer all the variations of nicknames that have come from my name and most people don’t actually call me Megan.
I looked up the meaning of Megan out of curiosity, and this is what it said, “you are pragmatic, thorough, strong-willed, practical and stubborn at times.” What?? No way. Me? Stubborn? Not a chance.
The description of my name fits well with what I want to write about tonight. Although I know some people may read this blog and think I am a bit harsh, the truth is; if that is what you think; you my friend are exactly who I am writing this for so take your head out of your ass and listen up.
What have I learned in seven months? One thing I have learned is that I no longer have a filter, and I no longer have patience for people who think they can walk around, and treat people negatively for no other reason than they are insecure human beings, who believe they are exempt from the notion of treating people with respect.
Why am I bringing this up? Today I had a conversation with a co-worker that lead to me talking about how good of a man Nick was. Nick was such a good man, but the truth is, there were a lot of people who treated him poorly including family, friends, and co-workers. I cried all the way home from work thinking about some of the ways Nick had been hurt by those he thought cared and it is something I have struggled with since the day he died.
I haven’t openly talked about this much because it’s sensitive stuff but who am I protecting? I am protecting those who treated the love of my life like shit and now likely wish they hadn’t. The people I am referring to know who you are, and you know that I know who you are, because Nick told me everything. I forgive you and I know Nick does too, but can you forgive yourself?
This blog is not to create conflict or to make people feel terrible for the way they have treated people in general or the way they have treated someone specific. This blog is to remind people that we should all be kind to one another. Just like Ellen Degeneres says. Sure, we will disagree, we will fight, and we may want to distance ourselves from one another from time to time. What we shouldn’t do, though, is treat people poorly just because. What we shouldn’t do is walk around with our nose in the air because for some reason we think we are better than someone else. By the way, you’re not.
In the last week, I have walked past people in the office and in public and said hello in the regular bubbly way I always say hello and received no response. I wish I could say this was a one-time thing, but unfortunately, some people are just like that. They for whatever reason think they are superior to others and don’t have to practice the notion of having respect for one another. But let me ask you something. How would you feel if the last time you had the opportunity to look someone in the eye and say hello you chose not to because of the “mood” you were in and the next day you found out they were dead?
There have actually been studies done that indicate smiling, forced or not, can have a positive effect on your mood, decrease stress levels, and even make everyone around you feel better. Imagine that. Nick had an amazingly contagious smile.
Sometimes I ask myself how many people wish they would have treated Nick better, and sometimes I ask myself, I wonder if they even care.
Today I want you to think about how you would be remembered if you were to die tomorrow. Do you think people would struggle to find nice things to say about you at your funeral? Do you think you deserve to have nice things said about you at your funeral?
Nick’s face was on the news when he died, and I can tell you without a doubt that when people saw his picture they were saddened because if they had an encounter with Nick, it was likely a positive one. Nick was a kind soul, he was a pain in the ass at times, but he was a kind soul. He wanted what was best for everyone, and he treated everyone well, but unfortunately he didn’t always get the same treatment in return, and I often wondered why.
Nick taught me so much about love and compassion, and he showed me these two things in the way he treated me, and the way he treated many of my friends, family and the people we encountered over the two and a half years we were together.
In the last seven months, I continue to learn, and I continue to hold onto the love Nick shared. I notice things far more now. I notice the way people treat one another, and I notice how utterly horrible we as humans can be to one another; in-person, on the phone, and in the worst way, online.
Stop and ask yourself this. Who do I want to be remembered as? Who are the people I meet every day? What have they been through and how can I make it better?
I heard many years ago from a retired police officer that you don’t have to know someone’s story to have compassion; you just have to know that everyone has a story.
I am supposed to be getting married in 24 days. I am not. I am supposed to be trying to have babies soon. I am not. I am supposed to be curling up with my best friend on the couch in front of the fireplace keeping warm from the changing weather, but I am not.
I am sitting here alone, and I am trying so hard to understand humans and why we can’t all just be kind. I get up every morning from my bed and I am exhausted. I don’t sleep. I miss Nick like crazy. I miss my life that it once was, and I am praying I make it through the next few months. If I can leave my house and be friendly and genuine to every person I encounter through out my day, despite my mood; so can you.
Try it. I promise you will reap the rewards.
Nick my love I remember you in all your goodness, in all your pureness, and in all your beauty. You were a kind man, and you took care of those that you loved and even those you didn’t know. I admire you and your loyalty more than I ever have before and I am so thankful I made sure you knew that everyday. Seven months later and I still feel your love in my heart, and I will spread the love for as long as I live.