To my sweet Nick,
Yesterday was 18 months, 1.5 years, 547.5 days, 13,140 hours, and 788,400 minutes, and you know what?
It still feels like yesterday.
Oh, Nick how my life has changed, but time stood still when you left that day, and I am not sure when my clock and calendar will be back to normal again.
I still feel like I lost you yesterday.
Some days I still can’t even comprehend that you are gone. Some days I look at my life now, and I think, “How in the hell did this happen.” I am beyond happy but also heartbroken. Two emotions that accompany each other often.
Different memories pop up in my head here and there, and yesterday I vividly remembered the drive from our house to Bill’s Moms house that day. I remember so clearly telling Justin we needed to drive to Golden asap to find you guys. I remember thinking that was a no-brainer and we had to go. I couldn’t just sit around and wait. I don’t wait. I DO. I used to be the one who went looking when others called in their worst nightmare. I was not the one who was supposed to be sitting there waiting. Pacing. Praying.
Fuck, Nick, it was so hard not knowing, but deep down;
Yesterday was 1.5 years since I heard those words that will haunt me for the rest of my life. It’s been 1.5 years since the day I had to start the rebuild of my life that was already so perfect. It’s been 1.5 years since a part of me went with you, and I was forced to re-create that piece because a part of me will forever be with you.
Here’s the thing Nick. Although I still feel like it was yesterday I lost you, and it shatters my heart every time I think about it; I am doing so much better. I am breathing again, and I am working hard to establish an amazing future.
I have learned and accepted that I still have a future.
Something that was so hard to believe 1.5 years ago.
Something I didn’t even want 1.5 years ago.
I often wonder if you had a hand in some of the blessings that have been sent my way since you’ve been gone. I wonder how you see this new chapter of my life and I wonder whether or not it feels as weird to you as it does to me.
Scott is amazing, and if you sent him; thank you.
We talk about you every single day. So do the little ones.
I am so blessed to be with someone now who wants you in his life just as much as I want to keep you in my life. I asked him once if it was weird to him that I still refer to you as my fiancé. The truth is Nick, even if it were weird to him, he would never tell me that because he wants me to keep you in my heart, just as you were when you left.
You were my chapter one, and he is my chapter two, and each chapter is beautiful in their own ways. As hard as it is for me to say this, I am so blessed to have my chapter two. It’s a hard thing to make sense of in my heart and mind because you had to die for me to be where I am now, but Nick, it feels right and just how it’s supposed to be.
I am so happy, and I think you are too.
In a way, your death was the worst and the best thing that ever happened to me. There is no doubt the majority of people will find that hard to hear but it’s the truth, and I know that now.
I have done things I would never have done had you not died. My life is going to be big, and it’s going to be meaningful. My plans for the future our exciting and they completely align with my soul. That never would have happened had I not had the rudest awakening of my life.
I know you understand this completely and that is why I have no guilt.
I do not feel bad anymore for living.
Not a day goes by that I don’t doze off into space and think of you. Not a day goes by that I don’t sit and try to remember your voice, and I am so thankful I have videos with you talking and laughing, so I never forget. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could hold you one last time.
The dogs miss you too. I know they see you. Especially Kota.
Nick, I know you’re there. I see the signs all the time, and I smile.
Sometimes I cry.
Okay who are we kidding, I always cry. I know you are with me while I think, while I sleep, while I sing in my car, and whenever I call on you, I know you’re there.
I feel you.
I miss you with my whole heart, and nothing I do in this life will be without you, and everything I do in this life will be because of you.
1.5 years ago I lost your physical form, but I gained a closeness to you that is deeper than it ever was and I wholeheartedly believe in the depths of my soul that you are at peace and doing powerful things wherever you are.
I am proud of you and so lucky to have you as my angel.
“When the flowers bloom, when the leaves turn brown.
When the sun is hot, when the snow falls down.
When the clouds are gray, and the skies are blue.
That’s how you know; I’m thinking of you.”
Love you then, now, and forever.
I miss you.