First of all Happy Easter everyone. I certainly can’t say that I am happy, but I ask that everyone have an amazing weekend with your loved ones and remember to pull out your video camera.
The last few days have been weird. My mornings still consistently suck, and I wonder if they will ever get even just a little easier, but my days have been okay. I have spent the last few days catching up with friends and talking a lot about Nick.
I went for a visit at work on Tuesday and the moment I walked into the office, I just started shaking. There was something about being there that just seemed so painful. The last time I was sitting at my desk I was texting Nick telling him I would be home soon, and to order the Viet. We were eating quick before the concert. My little piggy bank that my partner bought me for my wedding fund wasn’t sitting at my desk, and that was the first thing I noticed. Remember, my co-workers are amazing, and they have done everything they can to make this process easier for me, but those are the little things you notice right away that people don’t realize because they just haven’t been through this. I knew they probably put it somewhere so it wouldn’t cause me pain and I love them for that, but I gravitate towards those things because sometimes those are the things that make me feel like my life hasn’t flipped upside down. That piggy bank is gone because I am not having a wedding, and that hurts so much.
That same day I was telling Sarah about how I watched the movie P.S I love you the weekend before Nick died. I hate those kinds of movies, and I always told Nick that. I always said if I am going to watch a movie I better feel good or motivated when I am done, not sad. When Nick got home, he asked me what the hell was wrong with me, and I just said this movie is the saddest movie I have ever watched. It was I cried through the entire thing, and Nick got home just as it was ending. He said to me “Why are you watching that shit, turn that shit off.” I told him he was never allowed to leave me like that because there is no way I would be able to handle it.
Just after I was telling Sarah about this, we met up with Heather for a drink. We talked about everything and mostly about Nick. At one point Heather told us she was driving in her car recently, and this song came on that she thought was such a great song and had never heard it before. She said when she looked at her phone it was from the soundtrack “P.S I Love You.” Sarah and I just looked at each other amazed and explained to Heather our earlier conversation.
Yesterday I spent a good portion of the day with Shanda, again talking a lot about life and mostly Nick. Shanda told me that when she first found out, Nick died she had this strong urge to watch the movie “P.S I Love You.” I nearly fell off my chair. I said did you talk to Sarah and she just looked at me and said No. I explained to her this sudden significance of this stupid movie.
For anyone who hasn’t seen this movie I strongly recommend you DON’T. It is incredibly sad, and the whole story revolves around a young widow who is being guided through her new life with letters that her late husband had left her before he died from a brain tumor. It is all about her finding her way and living the best life she can. I keep asking myself, is Nick trying to get me to watch this movie again? Is he trying to tell me something? I don’t know if I will watch it again but if I do Sarah will need to bring me the good tissues.
I met with Nick’s co-workers for dinner the other day, and it was such a bitter sweet time for me. Those boys spent everyday with Nick, and they are dealing with their own grief, and yet they have still gone out of their way to take care of me. As have all of Nick’s friends. I just keep saying to myself; I wish I would have had the opportunity to get to know these people before this. The one thing I do need to make clear is that it wasn’t that we never talked about getting together for hikes, or drinks, or fire pits, we just never got around to it, and our lives got in the way. Take a moment in each of your days and ask yourself, what is truly important today? Thank you CFD Mechanics from the bottom of my heart for doing what you have done for me. I know Nick would be so proud of you all for taking care of his girl, and he will thank you one day. Oh and also, please watch your backs. Just because Nick is gone does not mean his contribution to the pranks will end.
Today I spent the day with one of Nick’s friends Kyle, and he and I had a very long conversation about how to move forward. Nick’s passion was sledding, and this passion consumed our relationship for two and a half years. It consumed our relationship in a good way, and it was what made Nick happy and the person that he was. I loved how excited Nick would get when he would be leaving for a trip, whether it was a day trip or a weekend trip. I have had this urge to go out there and hop on a sled and take over where Nick left off. Nick left so many pictures and videos behind, but he always said; they just don’t do the mountains justice. Nick always wanted to get me on a sled and I always just told him that it was his thing, and I didn’t want to intrude on the boy’s trips. I just keep trying to imagine exactly where Nick was and what he was experiencing just moments before hell broke lose. I want to know what made Nick who he was, and I feel the only way to do that is to get up in those mountains and see what he got to see so many times before his death.
Today my dogs came home. I haven’t seen my dogs for over a month, and I missed them so much. I am so happy for them to be home, but it is another reminder that things will never be the same. I spent so many years with just me and my bitches, and I was so excited when we finally had a man in our lives. The girls not so much because it meant they had to sleep on the floor, but to have an actual human to talk to and sleep with every night was exactly what I wanted for such a long time. Having my dogs home reminds me that we have gone back to being just the three of us. My dogs have been my constant for eight years. Those girls have been by my side day and night through every shitty breakup, every stressful day at work and every death, and there has been too many over the last eight years. This is the first death that my dogs our feeling. They have only been home for a few hours, and I could already see the confusion and unsettling nature in their faces when we walked into the bedroom to go to bed. Nick always made a point to irritate Juno every night before bed, and he would always call Kota over to his side of his bed to say goodnight so that her poor little sensitive self wouldn’t think he hated her. My dogs pissed Nick off on more than one occasion, but he knew both of their personalities and made sure they knew he loved them.
My days have been weird and my evenings and mornings have been painful. I go to bed every night looking at my pictures and reading some of the few text messages I have recovered. I am now in a relationship with a phone, and I am very alone. Everyone keeps saying to me I can’t imagine what you are going through, and all I have to say is I am glad you don’t. I have been going through the motions and taking each day at a time, but I still fear the road ahead. What was supposed to be an amazing life for Nick and me is now just a life for me, and I have no idea what that is supposed to look like.
All I ask is that this weekend while you are with your friends and family just take the time to truly soak up everything around you. Don’t take for granted these special holidays because you aren’t always guaranteed the next year. Give hugs, say I love you and for god sake, please take so many pictures.
P.S I love you
P.S.S tell your damn wife your password to your phone or at least write it down somewhere