Today I am going to be completely honest. Normally when I am writing my blog, I am in a relatively good place for the most part. I have small windows during the day where I am feeling somewhat at peace and capable of sharing some of the positive things that I have encountered. The truth is, for those of you who think I am so “strong,” I am an absolute broken hearted mess the majority of the time.
I know that I have such a large support group and so many people who want to help. However, with that said, there are a lot of things I have heard over the last few days and weeks that are the complete opposite of helping. My psychologist told me, to be honest when something isn’t helpful and tell people if they are saying the wrong thing, so here it goes. Things that are not useful to me right now and why:
- DON’T tell me whatever I am doing is not what Nick would want. For example, if I am lying in my bed refusing to get up with the curtains closed and lights turned off, DO NOT tell me this isn’t what Nick would want. Nick would not have wanted to be Dead. Nick would not have wanted us to be separated in the prime of our lives in the same year that was supposed to be “Our” year. Nick wrote in my birthday card on December 8th the following:
Happy 30TH Birthday Megan, I am excited to celebrate this next year of us entering our thirties with you. I can see lots of exciting things in our future and can’t wait for all the adventures we are going to have. There is no one I want to share this day with more than you. <3 Nick.
For the record, this is what Nick wanted; Nick wanted to marry me on October 14th and start trying to get pregnant while we were on our honeymoon in Nashville. Nick did not want to be dead, and Nick certainly did not want us to be robbed of our entire lives together.
Before you say “Nick wouldn’t want this for you,” ask yourself what you would do. I can assure you, I do not want to feel completely hollow inside and terrified of my future life. This is NOT what I want, but I can NOT control it and trying to get myself out of bed is comparable to Nick being stuck under a pile of hard packed snow. I can try as hard as I want but sometimes I just don’t have the strength. This brings me to my next DON’T.
- DON’T tell me to stop thinking about the circumstances of Nick’s death and that he didn’t suffer. By the way, googling “suffocation” does not help me (there have been several people who have done this so if you are one of them don’t feel guilty). If you have never lost someone in a sudden tragic death, I can understand why you may not be able to see why my mind is fixated on these details. I promise you, if I could erase these thoughts and images from my head, I would be in a heartbeat. The hardest thing for me to think about is the idea of Nick hurt or scared. Not being by Nick’s side during his last moments on this earth is something that will cause me pain for the rest of my life. I was supposed to be there for Nick through everything for the rest of our lives, and I wasn’t there for him at the end of his. Telling me, Nick would not want me to think about these things, DOES NOT help.
- DO NOT say “Megan you will be happy again; it just takes time.” This is one of the worst things anyone can say. I was so incredibly happy with Nick. My whole life was planned out with him, and anyone who knows us knows that we had big plans. No one on this earth makes me happier than Nick did. The thought of being happy again terrifies me. I went wedding dress shopping in January and aside from the day we got engaged this was one of the happiest days of my life. Nick rarely gets to see me dressed up, and I always wear a hat. Nick even joked when I asked him what kind of wedding dress he thought he might like to see me in, and he said, “Anything will be more beautiful than what you wear on a daily basis.” He was right, and I could not wait to show him my dress. My dress is hanging in the closet next to a million bridesmaids dresses I have worn. We have all heard the saying, “always a bridesmaid never the bride,” who knew this still applied to me. When I think about being happy again, all I have to say is what’s the point when it can all be ripped away from you so fast. “Megan you are young, and you have your whole life ahead of you,” yes I am aware of that, and it scares the shit out of me. Every night I pray I won’t wake up, and so every morning starts out with me trying to figure out what I am supposed to do now.
- DO NOT tell me to try to figure out a new normal and then tell me not to make any big decisions right now. ???? Am I the only person who is confused by that? Everything involving my life with Nick is no longer normal and in order to have a new normal, I am going to need to make some “big” decisions.
I realize it is important to live on and honor Nick’s life by living my own, but I am telling you if you have never lost your “person,” you have absolutely no idea how difficult it is to do that. I used to be what I considered a strong woman, and I know that was one of the things Nick loved about me, so if I could figure out a way to get myself out of this darkness, trust me I would do it. I have read books and joined widows clubs, and I see a psychologist every other week, but I am telling you it is not that easy and having people tell me what I “should” do only makes it worse.
Every day I wake up, and I am alone in this house, even my dogs feel it. When I try to accomplish something like doing the laundry, I go downstairs, and I see the suitcase filled with Nick’s stuff that he wasn’t able to bring back from his trip because he died. I try to go out and enjoy company with my friends, and all I see is couples happy and enjoying their time together, time that I had stolen from me. I see happy mothers with babies, and it reminds that this isn’t going to happen for me anymore. DON’T tell me I am still young because I have a specialist who already said the window was small, so this adds to my grief. Not only am I grieving the loss of Nick but I am mourning the loss of being a Mother. Today I drove to Shoppers to get some boost because it’s the easiest thing to get down in the morning. While I was there, I had this urge to go down the isle where the underarm deodorant was so that I could find Nick’s brand and smell it. I want to ask you all something, have you ever found yourself in Shoppers smelling underarm deodorant and then having an absolute meltdown? No? Welcome to my life. I know Nick probably has his underarm deodorant in his bag downstairs, but I haven’t been able to open that bag up yet. Just one example of me trying to be normal again.
There are a few people I know who have been through this, and they have told me that my loss is so fresh, and it isn’t going to get any better anytime soon. These women can say to me whatever they want because what they are saying comes from experience and not Google. I am already feeling like a walking dark cloud, and all I want is for people just to let me be and let me grieve how I need to grieve. If it makes you uncomfortable, I ask that instead of saying something that is completely unhelpful just, please don’t say anything at all.
I took my dogs for an hour run today, and when I threw their ball, I instantly started to cry. It was Nick’s job to throw their ball. Maybe I should just try not to think about that. Maybe I should just try not to think about any of the things Nick did when he was alive. Maybe I should just try to forget Nick, so I am not in pain.
No one wants to forget Nick, and everyone misses the relationship they had with him so, please try to remember how difficult it is for you when you have those moments of missing Nick because you can’t call him up for wings or send him a quick text or see him at a family get together. Remember that Nick was my every minute, my every hour and my everyday. I miss Nick with all of my being and every breath I take hurts because it is a reminder that he is no longer here, and my heart physically aches.
Each day as evening starts to set
The ache builds in her chest
She knows that she must go to bed
And try to get some rest
She hugs her tear stained pillow close
When no one is around
And cries for one she loved and lost
And screams without a sound
Others see her in the day
And think she’s doing well
But every day as evening sets
She enters her own hell
Time hasn’t healed her pain at all
Or quieted her fears
So every night, alone in bed
She sheds those silent tears
-kp © 2013