It has been a while since I have been on here to share my thoughts. One reason is that I have been on the go, and the other is because my head hasn’t been in a very great place the last few days.
On March 9th I had a dream about Nick and I. This was the dream I had been waiting for since the moment I found out Nick was gone. Nick and I drove out to a campground somewhere, and I was begging him not to go sledding the next day. We somehow knew that he was going to die. I told him if he didn’t go, he wouldn’t have to die. I begged him and hugged him over and over again telling him how much I loved him. I have never seen Nick as calm and relaxed as he was in this dream. He kept telling me, “I have to go, it’s okay.” My dream then moved to us being at Julie’s for a BBQ, and we were having a blast, and then we ended up in Mexico somewhere. No matter where we were in my dream, Nick was having fun and looked amazing. Not that Nick doesn’t always look amazing, but he was in perfect shape like he wanted to be and was so tanned. Nick was wearing his camo cargo shorts and a bright green shirt. He looked so good. At the end of my dream Nick said he was going somewhere, I thought in my dream he was headed to the bathroom or something and then he was gone. I woke up from my dream with tears pouring down my face. I felt happy and sad all at the same time. I was so happy I got to see him again but so sad that I had to wake up. Nick was okay.
Waking up has been the hardest thing I have had to do thus far. Going to sleep has been difficult, but the thought of going to sleep brings me joy because I can only hope I will see Nick again. Waking up, however, brings me nothing but pain and tears. Every morning it is like I have to find out all over again that Nick is gone. Everyday that goes by it gets harder because it’s longer that I haven’t seen him. I miss Nick so much I can’t even explain it in words. I feel like the majority of my heart left with him and all I have left is what is keeping me alive, but I certainly don’t feel like I am living.
We thought it would be good for me to get away, so I flew out on the 12th with my parents to their time share in Mexico.That is where I am right now. We thought it would be good for me to get away but we thought wrong. The minute we got off that plane, I missed Nick even more. It took everything for me to hold back the tears walking through the airport in Mexico. All I kept thinking was how excited Nick would get when we would go on holidays like this. He was always the life of the party and loved chatting up the locals. I even miss Nick Coco Bongo drunk. I never thought in a million years I would say that, but I have come to learn it’s those things that annoy you the most that become those little things you miss. I would give anything to have Nick here drinking fruity drinks and having drunk day naps in cabanas with me. Everywhere I turn I am reminded of Nick. Every sound I hear and every smell I smell I am reminded of Nick. The truth is getting away may not always be a good thing because no matter where I am in this world, I am not getting away from this nightmare. I have lost the love of my life in the prime of our lives. I keep asking why and I keep getting told you will never know.
I don’t have a lot to say today, and I have found myself speechless the last few days. I don’t feel like talking, I don’t feel like eating, and all I want to do is sleep because it’s the only place I can go now that might bring me Nick. I want to end this with something positive because I don’t want this to become a place for me to only share sadness.
Nick bought me one of those calendars for Christmas that has an inspirational quote for everyday. When I first got it back from the girls at work, I flipped to February 20th to see what it said. “My journey of joy begins today.” What? The day I lost the love of my life in an avalanche is the day my journey of joy is supposed to start? I have been analyzing this for days and days, and all I could come up with was that Nick purchased that calendar and picked it out himself. Maybe he was never supposed to give it to me, maybe his journey of joy started on February 20th. I can only hope that Nick is full of joy and peace and having the time of his life in heaven. I have told him every day that I am still going to marry him, and I will wear our wedding rings on my fingers until I see him again. I will call him my husband someday, and he will call me his wife, we just have to take a bit of a detour.