I had a dream last night or maybe I was awake; I am not even sure. I was laying in bed, and I heard the code on the front door and the door open. I had the most intense tingling feeling in my entire body, but I wasn’t afraid. I then heard someone walking up the stairs and my bedroom door opened. It was Nick, and he walked right in, crawled into bed over top of me, and just hovered there. He was a spirit, and he didn’t say anything. I just cried. It hit me that my Nick was indeed an Angel. I thought maybe he was here to get me, and I begged him to take me with him. When I woke up, all I had to say was F%$# I am still here.
This morning when I opened my eyes, I was in instant pain, emotionally and physically. I got out of bed around 2 pm to have a bath and eat some leftover pizza, and then I went back to bed. At around 4 pm my Mom more or less begged me to get out of bed. She asked me if I felt sick and I said ya, I have felt sick and completely unhealthy for the last five weeks. I did not want to get out of bed, but then something just came over me and said you have to get some things done that need to get done.
There are so many things that need to get done relating to Nick’s estate and my finances, and I am completely overwhelmed. I don’t even legally have any responsibility for Nick’s estate at this point, but yet people still keep calling me and sending me mail. I have income tax to pay and community fees that just came too. Nick and I would normally be sitting at the table figuring out how much he would be sending me to cover all of the added costs in our budget this month. I would normally be sitting back not worrying too much with a glass of wine and Nick would be sitting at the island with a calculator and a million different budgets in front of him. Nick was always making sure things would get paid, and we would still somehow come out on top. Nick took care of me while he was alive and I will take care of him now. I can only pray that he will help me get through this and make sure I am taken care of too.
I started cleaning off my kitchen table that has become an office over the last month. The first thing I noticed was one side of the table had a pile of wedding planning stuff, and the other side had a pile of all the documents relating to Nick’s funeral. The sad thing is both piles were the same size. Sometimes all you can do is cry and just wipe your tears as you work through the mess that has become your life.
I also can’t stop thinking about the plans Nick and I had for having a family. Many of you don’t know, but I have Endometriosis. I had my first surgery in December, and I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endo. It was an absolute mess. Nick and I were ready to head to Atlanta to see two excision surgeons there to help me, but then I was blessed with a miracle and met a Surgeon here in Calgary who is one of 4 or 5 Endo Surgeons in Canada. I have surgery on June 8th, and she was going to “polish” me right up, so I was ready for our wedding. I think I spoke about this in one of my other blogs, but it is one thing that will not get out of my head. I wanted a family so much, and Nick was finally at a point where he was ready and excited too. I had learned recently that he even talked about his excitement with his friends when I wasn’t even around. Nick would have been an amazing father, and this will break my heart for the rest of my life that he never got the chance. The picture above is us with my nephew just over a year ago when he was just a few days old. Nick was amazed by his tiny hands and feet.
I placed all of our wedding and baby plans in a box, and I am not sure if I will ever get rid of it. I still can’t believe that Nick is gone and all of the plans we had for this year and for our life is over. I joined a grief outlet for young widows on Facebook today, and I realized I am a very very young widow. The women on there are amazing and have told me you will never forget about Nick and he will always be the love of your life. This brought me comfort because many people have said “Megan, you are young; you will find love again.” I don’t want love again. I had the most amazing love with Nick, and I can honestly tell you when I see him in heaven again, there will be no question that I am his. If I am lucky enough to go to heaven sooner than later, then dress me in my wedding dress because I will be marrying him as soon as I get there.
Today started out pretty bad, and I am quite surprised I got out of bed. My Mom and I cleaned the house and did some laundry, and I feel a little less dirty now. I realized today that the last time I put laundry away in the closet was the day Nick died. Today is the first time in two and a half years that all of the laundry belonged only to me. I almost want to throw his clothes in the wash so that I can put them away. These are only a few of the very odd feelings and thoughts you have when you lose your one and only. I pray no one reading this will ever have to go through it because it is truly hell on earth. Nick is in heaven, and I am in hell. If you are reading this and you have been through it, please call me.
So this last week hasn’t been very good, and I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I will continue to talk about Nick anyway, even when it hurts so much. Nick deserves to be talked about at least once a day, and I will give him everything he deserves as I would have if he were alive.
“Grief is like living two lives. One is where you “pretend” everything is okay, and the other is where your heart silently screams in horrendous pain.” -unknown-