Today I went to the doctor as I do pretty much weekly now because she keeps wanting me to “follow up” with her. She asked me the same question today as she normally does, “how are you today?”. I respond “I am okay.” She then goes on to say, “so are you starting to feel better?”. I have a really hard time with this question. So this is my response, “Well no, Nick is still dead so that kind of sucks.” She then says to me, “have you still been having down days?”. I am not joking this was our actual conversation. I don’t know how to answer these questions. I honestly don’t. NICK IS DEAD. HE’S DEAD. The man I was supposed to marry this year and spend the rest of my life with is Dead. Nick was my best friend, and he’s gone. I am not “better”. But I am okay, and I am surviving.
She said I really need to start considering antidepressants because it has been almost six months and after six months my sadness becomes abnormal. Still not joking by the way. She said this. I was reminded of a conversation I had with a naturopath shortly after Nick died. He said to me, “if any Doctor tries to tell you after six months that your grieving is abnormal, I want you to come see me before you take any medications.” This man is about 90 years old and has been practicing both western medicine and holistic medicine for a billion years. He told me, “being sad is not abnormal when you suffer a loss as you have.”
Now keep in mind, I understand there are people who really really struggle and can’t even get themselves out of bed after six months. I feel for those people I really do, but I am being told that I need to “fix” my sad days with medication. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD? Need I remind you, Nick died. I am going to be sad for a long, long time, but like I said on other blogs, and to many people in person, I am still going to live the best that I can. Some days, though, I am not going to have a shower, and I am not going to leave my house, and I might have popcorn for breakfast, and as far as my psychologist is concerned, this is okay. My psychologist disagrees with my medical doctor and thinks I am far from needing medication and thinks I am doing a very good job honoring my grief and also finding ways to live for me. I am working very very hard on that, and I am sure as fuck not going to let some medication ruin that progress because might I add, I looked up some of the side effects of the prescription she gave me and they are worse than the issues I am dealing with now.
Anyway, I needed to vent but this wasn’t the point of my entry today. Today I taught myself how to play a new song on the piano. By the way, this is huge. For me, music is comparable to medication. I heard this song just over a week ago called “Black Roses.” I heard it on the show Nashville. When I first heard this song I ugly cried like you wouldn’t believe. See I am the type of person who listens to every word in a song. This used to drive Nick crazy. But I think deep down he loved that I could memorize a song in less than ten minutes, just like I loved how he could add up a billion numbers in his head in less than ten seconds.
When I heard this song I realized, if I were to write a song to the universe right now, this is exactly what it would say. Here are some of the lyrics:
“Now you only bring me black roses,
and they crumble in the dust when they’re held.
Now you only bring me black roses,
under your spell.
She told me twice all her good advice,
But I couldn’t see I was clouded by your lies.
Up in smoke, a vision she foretold, she said: “stay away ’cause that boy’s a warning sign.”
And I am done trying to be the one picking up the broken pieces.”
So when you read those lyrics, you are probably thinking, holy shit what does that even mean. Between my Aunts death, loads of shitty men and “sort of” boyfriends, endometriosis, surgeries, losing the man of my absolute dreams, and then on top of it dealing with horribly selfish people afterward, I am a little fucking pissed off.
Before my aunt died she told me after she passes away, if she sees me with someone who isn’t right, she is going to give me very obvious signs in my house. She did on a few occasions with other men, but she also did while I was with Nick. On those few occasions I thought to myself, “No way, Auntie Nadine would love Nick. She would so love Nick.” So I ignored the obvious signs I was experiencing. I also ignored the pine cones that said “I am sorry” just moments before Nick propose. I knew she would have loved Nick but was she warning me, and I was blinded by the “idea” that I could live happily ever after? Who knows.
What I do know is this. The end of this song is what speaks to me the most. It says, “I’m not under your spell.” That is the most powerful part of the song for me. Now remember, I know we all have a journey, and it is predetermined long before our soul gets here and by the way, I apologize to those who believe otherwise, but this is my blog, and I will share what I believe in. I know that the Universe is not out to get me but some days it can really feel like I am being punished. I know many of you reading this probably have days like that too.
So here is what I want to say today. I have been dealt some pretty shitty cards over the years. A lot of death in the family, some before anyone was ready, chronic pain and health issues, and the loss of my sweet Nick. But I am here to tell you that this is not going to define me. It will strengthen my soul, but it will not define me. My soul came to this earth to learn lessons. I tell myself daily that I met Nick for a reason. I tell myself daily that he was only meant to live until February 20th, 2016 and I am so lucky that I was the woman who was given the gift of loving him until the end. I tell myself daily that I am supposed to learn and grow from Nick’s death, and that is exactly what I am going to do. I promise. But tomorrow I might just stay in bed. Tonight I will cry myself to sleep because that’s what happens when you lose the most important person in your world. Tonight I will wear Nick’s underarm deodorant that Kota not so graciously dug out of his suitcase, (yes this happened, and Stacey and I still aren’t sure how Kota squeezed through the bars of the cage). I will wear his scent for comfort because I am alone, and very very lonely and believe it or not, wearing his scent helps me rest. Thank you, Kota.
We are all given hardships, and some of us experience absolute tragedy, but it is all part of our story. I know this. TRUST ME, I know this. However, with that said, even though I tell myself all of these things everyday, I still miss Nick. I miss him so much. Just as I should. Nick is worth missing, and I will never not miss him. I will never not be sad, but someday, as I have been told from other widowed women, it won’t hurt as much. I don’t need medication; I just need time.
If you are going through something that feels unfair, or that is tragic, or just simply frustrating, remind yourself that this is how it’s meant to be. I hate it when people say that by the way, and I would never say that to someone grieving, but I am really starting to believe it. Life was not meant to be easy. Life on earth is meant for growing our souls, so we are stronger when we return home. We can let something horrible define us, or we can become better humans because of it. I am still sad, and I am still going to cry, and some days I am going to feel sorry for myself, but if I am supposed to grow from Nick’s death, I am going to. I owe that to him.
“Happiness lights upon my heart in simple moments of awareness.”
Ps. If you are someone like me who loves music and is feeling cheated by the Universe, have a listen to the song I mentioned above, it might give you a bit of a push to fight back 😉