Not what I had planned

 

Today I was supposed to be shopping at David’s Bridal with all of my bridesmaids. We were all going to be together except for Kendra, but that is what Skype is for. Nick was supposed to be on call this weekend, and he and I discussed him maybe staying at Justin’s so we could have a great girls night. Nick always left me notes, and I can only imagine what he would have said to me today. This is not what I had planned.

Today I have thought a lot about my bridesmaids and what today “would” have looked like. I have been a bridesmaid many many times before and when the girls found out I was engaged the common statement was, “finally it’s your turn.”

On February 20th I had to contact my bridesmaids but this time not about wedding plans. I had to tell them it was no longer my turn that I was not going to be getting my fairy tale wedding after all. It was devastating, and every one of them was heartbroken. Jennie didn’t believe me on the phone, and I had to kick in my next of kin notification training and use the hard words, “Nick died, he is not ok.” I went straight to Jennie’s after I found out and it was heartbreaking to see her so sad. Stacey and Julie drove straight up to Calgary from Medicine Hat as soon as they heard and when they arrived at Jennie’s later that night, we just hugged and cried. Sierra and Shania arrived as well with my Auntie Val and for two teenage girls they held it together pretty well for their broken hearted cousin. Melissa wasn’t far behind and drove over six hours from Saskatchewan to make sure she was with me in my bed the first night I had to sleep knowing Nick was gone. Melissa was going to be my Matron of Honour, and her daughter Izzy was to be my flower girl. How do you explain to a six-year-old who was absolutely ecstatic that she would no longer get to buy that pretty dress and prepare the aisle for cousin Megan? For a while, Izzy thought that Nick and I were siblings. We only just realized this on our last visit to Outlook. She thought because I was cousin Megan and Nick was cousin Nick, that that meant we were brother and sister. We explained right away to her that that was not the case, and I was not marrying my brother.

Back to my bridesmaids. Lindsay would have been in Calgary in a heartbeat if I told her to come but she has three beautiful babies at home, and I told her I would be home soon. She and I spent three hours on the phone not long after and it was a conversation that I very much needed. Tammy arrived a few days later from Regina and met me in Medicine Hat. I have to say Melissa and Tammy had the most painful shifts of all because they were the two that slept with me the first few nights along with my Mom. They were not good nights.

Kendra was the last one to arrive but she is from the UK so the fact that she flew in as quickly as she could meant the world to me. Kendra took over sleeping duties, and I am here to tell you it was not an easy job.

This was not what I had planned for me and my bridesmaids, and I just keep thinking how much fun today would have been. I was so excited just to sit back and watch them try on dresses that made each and every one of them feel beautiful. Everyone made fun of me for having so many bridesmaids, but I just kept saying, “I feel lucky.”

So today I sit on a lounge chair by a pool in Mexico and have tears rolling down my face because my plans have completely changed, and there is nothing I can do about it. It doesn’t help that the resort keeps playing music that reminds of Nick. The song “Cheerleader” has played about 15 times since I have been here. Every time that song would come on the radio Nick and I would sing, and I would dance like a crazy woman and make sure that the vehicles next to us could see me. It drove Nick crazy, and he would beg me to stop, but I have never been one to embarrass easily, so I just kept on dancing. Nick knew I was his cheerleader, and I always will be for the rest of my life. I was and will forever be Nick’s number one fan.

The song “See you again” came on today. More tears. When I came home from work on New Year’s Eve, Nick was just finishing watching the last Fast and the Furious movie with the Paul Walker tribute at the end. Nick was holding in tears and could barely watch the ending. He may be mad at me for saying this but some of you probably already know, he had a huge man crush on Paul Walker. He was always in denial about his death and often said it was a conspiracy. Some how this conversation was brought up on the way to Brad Paisley two days before Nick died. The last night I spent with Nick, and we are still talking about Paul Walker. I really hope Nick got to meet him, and I hope Paul said, “see Nick, no conspiracy.” Both of them went out with a bang, and I hope they can be friends.

Today is my last day in Mexico, and although I am excited to get the hell out of here, I am also so scared about going home. Everyone else’s lives have continued and life is getting back to normal for most. I have to go back to our house but only this time Nick won’t be there to welcome me home with his beautiful blue eyes and amazing smile. I still don’t know how I am going to pay my bills and all I keep thinking about is what if I have to sell my house. Nick and I were eager to get out of this house someday and move to an acreage. Now without Nick, that house holds so many memories of him and I. We worked on so many projects in that house, and we danced to what was supposed to be our wedding song, in the dining room both drunk as skunks. Nick sang to me that night; it was our 29th birthday. Although he is a terrible singer, I knew that night that I was going to be with him forever.

Sometimes we plan our lives so much, and I am starting to think that by doing that we are setting ourselves up for possible failure. Dreams are good, and goals are great, but I don’t think I will ever spend time stressing about certain details about my future. Living for the day has never made more sense to me than it does now. Nick had no idea he was going to die one week after we spent a whole day talking about getting our debt paid off. This was a constructive conversation, and we had a concrete plan, but now none of that matters. I am going to make it my life mission to live each day for the day, because whatever it is you are stressing about today could potentially be the least of your worries tomorrow.

Today my plan was to go bridesmaid dress shopping. I never thought in a million years that instead, I would be sitting in Mexico typing up a blog about Nick. What ever you are stressing about right now, don’t worry about it. Whatever is meant to be will be. Just enjoy the time you have with your loved ones, whoever they are because tomorrow you might not have the chance.