My Facebook was kind enough to remind that one year ago today Nick and I were on our way to the Dominican to meet his family for a week. He woke me up that morning by blaring the song “drunk on a plane” in my ear. He sang along too, and I am sure you can all imagine how beautiful that sounded first thing in the morning.
Nick and I met an older couple in the airport that morning at Chillis. There were no tables left so they asked us if they could sit with us and of course Nick said: “Absolutely let’s have a drink.” We sat and talked with these two people for two hours, and we were a little worried we weren’t going to be allowed on the plane because we had quite a bit to drink, and it wasn’t even 9 am yet. That week was the first time I met Nick’s Mom and Brother and we had an absolute blast. I was just looking at all of the pictures of the trip and just cried because it was perfect.
Yesterday my friend Jennie had a beautiful baby girl named Blakely. I am not just biased because she is my friend, Blakely is absolutely gorgeous. Julie and I made it to the hospital for our first visit in the afternoon. The first thing I did when I walked into that hospital room was picked Blakely up and just soaked in the beauty of a new life on this earth. So innocent and peaceful and so much love.
The first time I wrote Nick a letter after he passed away, I demanded he does something so I knew he was paying attention. At that moment I started to get really really warm. I felt that feeling again when I was taking in the rings and explaining his death to the girls in the store and once again I felt this feeling when I was holding onto baby Blakely. I knew that while I was holding her Nick was holding me. Nick was so excited to meet baby J-wow, and I know that he probably met her even before we did.
Julie, Jennie and I sat in that hospital room and just enjoyed the moment. I said to Julie last night if someone would have told us 26 years ago when the three of us met, that in 2016 we would be saying good bye to my fiancé and hello to Jennie’s baby girl we would have probably said F^%$ OFF. I am so grateful for my friends because no matter what life has brought us, we have been able to be by each other’s sides, every moment of the way, and I know now more than ever that it will never change.
The truth is the last few days have been really hard for me. Every day has been really hard, but the last few have been harder for me to pretend I am okay. I have been called out by a few people the last few days about how much pretending I have been doing. If it weren’t for Blakely being born yesterday I never would have got out of bed and today I haven’t. I have been sitting in bed absolutely hating my life and truly feeling sorry for myself. People keep saying “you know this isn’t what Nick would want you to do”, but all I have to say to that is Nick doesn’t get a say any more, at least not right now. I have been left here to figure out what the hell to do now, and it just doesn’t matter what Nick would want because Nick wouldn’t have wanted to leave me in the first place and he did anyway.
I guess what I am trying to say is even though there are moments in the day when I can smile and laugh and enjoy company does not mean I am not absolutely torn up inside. It just means that at that moment I can temporarily forget that Nick is gone, but as soon as it hits me again, I am a complete mess. Every day starts the same and ends the same, and it’s lonely. Staying in bed is sometimes the least lonely place for me because at least this is where I can feel Nick’s presence in my dreams. When I leave my house, I am reminded that life goes on, and I no longer have that person to share that with. So remember, before you tell someone who is grieving their partner in life, that they should be doing something different, just know that whatever they are doing in that moment is exactly what they need to be doing in that moment to survive.
The last few days I have been listening to music more, and Julie and I rocked out in her car yesterday to “My Church”. What an amazing song. Country music is a bitter sweet genre of music. It is what we listen to when we are partying and drinking beers (and twisted teas of course), and it is what we listen to when we are completely devastated. Nick and I weren’t church goers, but we did listen to the HWY FM every single day. We had so many songs that we loved, and so many of them make me think of Nick now. I can feel Nick every time I hear the song “you should be here.” I listened to the words completely the other day, and wow was that song written for Nick. The only thing that needs to be changed is beers to twisted teas. When I first listened to the actual words of the song I got chills when I heard “You’d be taking way too many pictures on your phone, showing them off to everyone that you know back home and even some you don’t.” This is Nick to a tee. I remember when we were in the Dominican this time last year Nick was showing one of the entertainment gals pictures of his sledding trips. He said, “this is where we live, and you have to see it some day.”
Next week April starts, and Nick and I were supposed to start our dance lessons. Nick has been dreading it since we were at Canada’s Wonderland last summer. He made a deal with me that if I went on the Leviathan (6th largest roller coaster in the world), he would learn to two step with me before we got married. Nick sure managed to get out of that one, but it was one of the things that made me love him so much. His friends told me they were making fun of him not that long ago for having to take lessons and all he said was “whatever makes her happy.” That was exactly how Nick was, and every day I miss the kind-hearted things he came up with to make me happy.
Today I haven’t got out of bed, and my parents delivered food to me, but I am still alive. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, and I am not sure how I will feel. Every day is so different, and there are no guidelines for this horribly unfair journey. When my psychologist asked me if there is one thing that brings me peace in the day, I said to her when people talk about Nick. This blog is my way of talking about Nick, and I will continue to talk about Nick every single day. I know people feel helpless and don’t know what they can do for me, but the answer to that is, just talk lots about Nick.
“The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living” -unknown-