Today I cleaned my room. My Mom helped me pay for some new blankets for my bed and new curtains for the window. Nick and I have been wanting to replace those things in our room since we moved into this house two years ago. We “planned” to wait for some wedding money so we could buy something nice. We “planned” to do a lot of things with this house and now I am stuck looking at all the unfinished projects, and boy does it hurt.

I know these are things that need to get done and at some point, I am going to have to move the things that Nick left behind but today I just cleaned my room because for now everything else is just too painful. I am nowhere near ready to remove Nick’s things from where he left them because Nick had me trained well and he hated it when I messed around with his belongings. For the record, I liked to call it organizing.

My cousin introduced me to another young widow, and I added her to Facebook the other day. She lost her sweet husband in a car accident five years ago. She was 29. She and I have only just started talking, and she has already helped me understand that I am not crazy. We talked about how incredibly exhausting grieving your soul mate is. She reminded me that the basics are the only important thing right now; wake up, brush your teeth, eat your meals in the day, try to go for a walk, take a hot bath or a shower, sleep and repeat.

She said the first few days of her journey she depended on her sisters to get her to the shower. I shared a similar story with her about my sweet cousins Tammy and Kendra. I am not afraid to admit it that my personal hygiene was the furthest thing from priority the first few days of my journey. Tammy and Kendra sat me down and said, “Maggy, we love you but the only way we are going to sleep with you tonight is if you brush your teeth.” Thank God for the family of us smelly widows.

Meeting a gal my age who is living the widowed life is an absolute blessing, as you don’t run into a lot of these women often. I already feel like we will be good friends. Between her and Sandy, I am feeling much less lonely. Hopefully, all of our men can be friends too.

There have been a few things that have come up in the last few days and weeks that I have had a hard time understanding. I shared in one of my earlier blogs that on February 20th, my Calendar said, “My Journey of Joy starts today.” March 20th as you all know was a difficult day for me and of course, I looked on my Calendar as I do every day, and it said, “Expect Nothing, but know that great things lie ahead for you.” So far my Calendar is causing me some serious anxiety and every time I see these positive words on days that I am filled with pain, I just want to scream. Well, it didn’t end there.

I was talking to my sister-in-law Heather the other day, and she was telling me the calendar page I shared on my last blog made her think of something Nick said to her at Thanksgiving. She said, “the numbers 2/3 on the Calendar made me think of when I said my c-section was scheduled for February 23rd, and I was worried that it was so close to my due date of the 26th.” She then went on to say, “Nick just piped up and said 23 is a good number.”

Heather then started to tell me that the day Nick died her clock (that Nick just happened to say he liked at Christmas), kept stopping at 9:43. I said that was probably around the time they were at the staging area. I said Nick texted me at 9:13 am saying they were just headed to the staging area. For the record, I still absolutely regret sleeping through that text message because I could have had the opportunity one last time to say “Nick I love you, be safe out there,” as I always said before those boys would head out.

Heather sent me a link to; this is what I learned about the digits 913.

  • Number 9 brings its vibrations of service to others, leading others by positive example, Divine wisdom, philanthropy. Number 9 also signifies endings and closures.
  • Number 1 carries the attributes of new beginnings and fresh starts, insight and intuition, progress and striving ahead, activity, attainment, and fulfillment.
  • Number 3 resonates with self-confidence, joy and optimism, manifesting your desires, growth and self-expression.

So as I am sure you can all imagine, I am getting extremely frustrated with all of these things popping up that are telling me my life is going to be joyful, and great things are going to happen and don’t you worry you will have a grand life. These aren’t just random numbers I have chosen. February 20th was the day of his death; March 20th, was one month later, and 913 is the last time Nick sent me a message. Or was it?

So in the midst of my frustration I sent all of these weird signs to my other friend Heather, and she said this, “Maybe he was always meant to be your angel, but you had to know and love him first to trust that he would take care of you after he was gone.”

WHAT??? I said to Heather, “was Nick just in your head making you say that or are you just really smart?” Heather replied by saying, “Funny you said that. After I typed that I was like, how did I think of that?” I am going to have to give Heather the award for saying the absolute smartest thing in the last month and a half. I know everyone has said variations of this, and I’m not sure if it was just the timing of when she said it but it gave me chills, and I felt for the first time in a month and a half that maybe this was true.

Maybe this is true does not take my pain away, and it does not stop me from waking up anxious and in agony and going to sleep lonely and missing Nick, but it does give me hope and motivation for my future. I am honestly starting to believe that Nick and I shared a purpose, we were both born on December 8, 1985, after all. Nick has finished his part, and I have to continue working on mine. I  have yet to figure out what my share of the purpose is, but through the tears, I will continue to search.

Now if all of those signs weren’t enough this is what the Calendar said today:

“AND IN THE END, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” -Abraham Lincoln-

I think this quote was very true for Nick.

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