Five minutes ago I was sitting on my bed with tears rolling down my face. Tears of excitement, tears of sadness, and tears of frustration.
Another person has died in an Avalanche in B.C. and my heart breaks and breaks and breaks every single time I see this. I am so afraid to watch the rest of the season unfold, but I have to focus on what I am working on for the future, and I can not allow myself to get stuck there anymore.
About 30 minutes ago I shared Shanda Harpers “Why” on our Fierce Mountain Ranch Facebook page. Shanda Harper is a beautiful human and strong as fuck. She opened up and shared her struggles with endometriosis and the physical and emotional pain she experienced with infertility. She and I are endo sisters, and we were both diagnosed with stage 4 endo. Will we ever have our own babies? Well, I am not too sure. The psychic said I would have a beautiful blond little girl (which Nick told her), but I still wonder somedays if I will ever hear the words “mommy” coming out of a little person’s mouth and knowing that they are calling out for me.
Shortly after I posted that on FMR, my beautiful friend Stacey announced to the public that she and her husband are expecting. Here is the thing, I have been mentally preparing myself for this for a long, long time. Stacey is one of my best friend’s, and I need to make one thing very clear;
I am so happy for her. <3
Stacey and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for many years now, and after having surgery, she learned she would have to undergo IVF to have a baby.
It was a while ago now that Stacey asked me if I would go with her to the clinic when the doctors did the embryo transfer. Unfortunately, her husband wasn’t going to be able to make it because of work, so she asked me. She asked me over text message which I think was best for both of us because it was something I had to thoughtfully process.
In my heart, I knew I wanted to go, but at the same time, I thought, “I can’t go,” I will be an absolute mess, and I will ruin what is supposed to be a beautiful moment.
I told Stacey I would with out doubt be there.
The week coming up to the embryo transfer was an ugly week for me. This was December. Not only did mine and Nick’s birthday just pass but Christmas was coming up as well. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I found out about the video that Nick filmed moments before his death.
Stacey recognized that it had been a extremely rough couple of weeks for me and said: “if you’re not up to it, you don’t have to come.” My heart was broken, and I was back in a dark hole that I fought so hard to get out of. I didn’t want to go with Stacey. This isn’t fair. This life is so fucking unfair.
I picked Stacey up on December 16th, and we headed down to the clinic.
It was time.
The doctors handed me the cap and gown, and I got ready to be there for one of the most important moments of Stacey’s life. We walked into the room, and the nurse said to me “you have two options, 1. you can stand down here and help with the transfer or 2. you can sit on that stool beside Stacey”.
Stacey didn’t even give me the chance to answer; I was sitting on the stool. Of course, the nurse was joking, and there really was only one option.
I witnessed a beautiful thing that day.
Stacey found out not too long after that she was, in fact, pregnant and when she sent me the pregnancy test with the positive sign on it my heart literally fluttered. I was so happy, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
2016 had been so hard for all of us, but we were ending it with such a miracle. I was so excited, but I knew we couldn’t say anything yet.
The embryo wasn’t super strong yet, and it was a bit emotional, but I had the most amazing feeling. I just knew that this was going to happen for her. Not long after Stacey and her husband learned that all was well with the baby and they even got to hear the heartbeat.
Stacey as your friend of 20 years I need you to hear me when I say this. Shanda and I are so happy for you, and that baby is going to have so much love, and I can not wait to tell them that I was there when they were conceived.
Of course, when he/she is a teenager we are going to embarrass them so bad when we share this story.
Here is what I want to get across in this blog. I have friends and family who struggle with infertility, I have friends who have been blessed with several healthy natural babies, and I have friends who are widows.
Life is so hard.
But life does not need to stop.
I DID NOT want to go with Stacey that day, and it took every ounce of my being to get there and put on an “I can do this face” because I was supposed to be getting pregnant with Nick right now but Nick is dead, and this isn’t fair. However, with that said, when I sat in that room and watched those doctors complete that transfer I felt so lucky and so blessed to have been a part of that. I made Stacey hold my lucky rocks and Nick’s wedding ring, and I knew that this was going to be special.
Don’t ever allow your demons to keep you from experiencing moments like this. Trust me, I know its hard, but sometimes you just have to dig deep and embrace the hurt. I would have regretted not being there if I had decided to sit at home and feel sorry for myself.
Don’t get me wrong, there are days when feeling sorry for yourself is exactly what you need to do, and that is okay, but on the important days like this, we have to dig deep, and we all have it in us.
Stacey thank you so much for asking me to be there with you. It meant the world to me that even though you knew it likely wouldn’t be easy for me, you still made an effort to ask. This is so important for people to realize, and I am so proud of you for having the courage to ask me to be a part of something so special.
I can’t wait to meet your sweet little human. <3