The last two nights my dreams have been so confusing, and I have woken up in a panic. In the first one, Nick and I met at an alter but not for our wedding. I was there first, and when I saw him, we ran towards each other and wrapped our arms around one another. Nick was an absolute mess.He kept asking me, “where the hell have you been.” I just kept saying, “I am right here, where have you been?”He was crying and told me to put my damn dress on, and I told him I would, and I said I would visit him all the time. The night before this I wrote a letter to him telling him I was so excited for him to see me in my dress on our wedding day. I told him this since the day I bought it.
The second dream was last night, and it was one of those same dreams where I am sending Nick text messages, and they aren’t going through, or he just isn’t responding. I kept messaging him saying, “I need to see you.”
Both of these dreams I have woken up in a complete panic and my heart racing a million miles a minute. What’s frustrating is that I try so hard to go back to sleep but I can’t. That has been the hardest part of my new life. Most people want to be awake to see their loved ones and friends and all I want to do is go back to sleep because this is now where I get to see Nick. I miss him more and more every single day, and I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I don’t want to be in Mexico, but I am also terrified to go home. It has been four weeks today since the last time I saw Nick and the pain is just getting worse.
I have been writing Nick letters every day and telling him I hope he loves heaven. I just wish I knew for sure. I have been following the news recently, and there have been three more sledders who have joined Nick in heaven in the last week. All three were killed in B.C, and one was considered a legend in the snowmobiling community.
I know I am not supposed to read what the media says and the trolls behind comment boxes, but I can’t help myself sometimes. How are backcountry enthusiasts any different than people who go to the bar every Saturday night and get loaded and stumble home in the streets or even worse drive home? How are they any different than all of the drunken idiots I have seen here in Mexico that drink way to much and go swimming in the pools or the ocean? What about people who drive down the Deer Foot everyday in Calgary? The difference is, these people who go to the mountains are living the dream, and it’s dangerous but so good for their soul. They see things up there many of us will never get to see because we are too afraid to take risks. I am telling you that each and every one of those people who have been killed in those mountains did not go out there thinking they were invincible. Nick and I often talked about the dangers of his hobby, but he always said, “as long as you are going to work everyday, you have no room to talk.” I couldn’t argue with him because he had a good point. I miss Nick so much I want to go to sleep and not wake up, but I still do not regret letting him go to those mountains every chance he could. I loved how happy it made him and in return, he made me the happiest woman in the world. Please stop judging the people that go out there and live a big life. What a horrible world this would be if we couldn’t go out and enjoy the beauty of mother nature. With all extreme sports there is danger and quite frankly every time you walk out your front door you are risking your life. Every time you walk up and down your stairs you are taking a risk. Every time you go to sleep, there is a chance you may not wake up. When it’s your time it’s your time, and I am so grateful that Nick got to be exactly where he wanted to be when it was his time to leave this earth. My boss shared a quote with me the other day when I was venting to him about how much I wish people wouldn’t judge. It says, “Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave in a well-preserved body but rather skid in sideways, totally worn out shouting, Holy crap, what a ride.” When he shared this with me, it actually made me smile because something tells me this is exactly what Nick was saying.
None of this makes my pain go away, and I don’t know when I will feel alive again, but some of these things are what helps me get through my day.
Last night I walked almost 10km in flip flops down the streets of Mexico with my good friend Sandy. Sandy and I have been friends since we met working at MHPS. Sandy is retired now, but we always kept in touch and hung out as much as we could. Sandy’s husband died as a result of a heart attack 18 years ago when Sandy was 33, and her two children were very young. I have always thought that Sandy was a strong woman and so courageous for going through what she went through and getting out alive. She is one of the kindest and genuine people you will ever meet, and she has been through hell and back. Last night I said to her, “how did our lives end up like this?” “Why did they get to go to heaven and we have to be stuck here to deal with the pain?” She and I both just said it’s fucking bull shit. Sandy understands every ounce of pain I am going through and as much as I wish she never had to go through that, I am thankful I have a friend who knows exactly how I feel. She completely understands why I have no fear of dying now and that if I go to sleep tonight, and I don’t wake up, so be it. When you lose your person, you are gone too, no matter how much people want to tell you-you will find a “new normal.” I will adjust, and I will come up with a new routine, but I will never be the same after having Nick taken from me. Sandy understands this, and it is a bittersweet bond. We walked almost 10 km on the rocky and uneven pavement in Mexico, with blisters on our feet and our legs feeling like jello, but the pain in our legs and our feet didn’t come close to the pain in our hearts.
I tried to remember this quote last night but I think I messed it up when I was saying it to Sandy, but I have always liked this one, it says, “we are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin-