19 days, 11 hotels, and 9831.2km later and I am finally home. I say home but what I mean is I am back in Calgary, where I happen to have a house that I stay in and a job that I work at. This isn’t home. I don’t know where home is anymore.
My anxiety started a few days ago while I was in Minot, North Dakota. I realized I was going to be back in Calgary soon and it hit me that Calgary is the absolute last place I want to be right now. Calgary is the last place I am going to heal fully, and the last place I am going to be able to make a new life.
My trip was amazing. I had an absolute blast, and I had so much time to reflect and find clarity on my new reality and all that has come with it. I met so many great people and built so many memories of my own. So many memories I can look back on and say, “I did it.”
I wish, however, that I would have had a bit of a better plan coming home because I am feeling very lost and very stuck.
I went to work today and had a very important conversation with my boss, and if you are reading this, you handled it great. I am so incredibly lucky to have the supervisors that I do right now. I know I have said that before but my god I am so grateful. I am at a point in my life where I feel like the policing chapter is over. Not only do I want the policing chapter to be over, but I also want the city living to be over. I really just want it to be over. Nick and I always wanted it to be over, and we talked so much about making our lives a little more simple but that’s all we ever did was talk. We talked a lot about what we wanted but we never went after it and his time ran out.
Don’t worry I didn’t put in my papers yet but the truth is out and the conversations are being had.
Now here I am, having the same thoughts, but feeling very much alone and I miss Nick so much. I miss Nick every time I walk in my front door; I miss him everytime I stand in my kitchen where we cooked and danced, I miss him every time I stare at the oil mark he left on the wall when he was pretending to fall asleep standing up. I miss Nick in every crevice of this house and every street I drive down in this city and each time I sit at my desk at work all I remember is how excited I was everyday to leave that office and go home to the man who loved me so much. The man who made all the hard times better with one smile, one hug, one kiss on the forehead and one I love you.
I know it’s so hard for people to understand why I would want to leave the security, pension, salary, and benefits that come with my job but I realized the hard way how unimportant all of that is. It is so unimportant and although it provides me with all those things mentioned above; it does not provide me with the life I want. I know I can do big things in this precious life I have been given, and you can bet your ass I will.
I spoke to my realtor today, and I will be going to sign the paperwork to list my house tomorrow. Chances are good I may be upside down in the house but not by a lot in the grand scheme of things. There is a possibility we break even, and that is what I am hoping for.
Mom and Dad,
I know how much you wanted to help me maintain this house and keep me from practically giving it away, but this house is a cage, and I want out.
For those of you who don’t know my parents; they are angels sent from heaven. I could never tell this to their face because the flood gates would open and I would not be able to get the words out. I was hit with some horribly selfish behavior after Nick’s death which landed me in a very uncomfortable financial position, but I have put that behind me, and I am no longer in contact with the person who chose to deny the love Nick had for me and our commitment to one another. (I know you can all read between the lines). However with that said, I have only been able to stay afloat because of the love my parents have for me and the love they had for our sweet Nick. They have had to watch their daughter break in a way no one should ever have to watch, but they have done an admirable job trying to put me back together, and I know Nick will thank them both some day.
But……… Mom and Dad, I need and want out of this life I have, and I am going to be making some very scary changes in the next little while, and I need you to trust me.
To everyone else. Please don’t worry about me. I am passionate, resourceful, stubborn as fuck, and determined to make a life that Nick will be so proud of and I will do as I said before and live it for both of us.
Please don’t worry about me regretting anything. I will have no regrets. I will learn, I will struggle, I will cry, I will scream, and I will probably say, “what the hell am I doing,” about twenty times a day but I promise you I will not give up and I will not disappoint.
I need to take my life back. I need to find purpose and passion and drive again, and right now I don’t have it. I am so proud to have been a police officer since I was a young girl but it’s time for me to try something new, and I am actually really excited. Scared as fuck, but really excited.
Please don’t worry.
I have been hit with a hand of cards that has been really hard to play, but I have played them, and I am still in the game. Please let me continue to play them and trust that although I have no idea what I am doing, I will figure it out one way or another.
I needed to get this off my chest tonight because the wheels are in motion now and I need the support more now than ever.
I know other doors will open, but I need to close this one first.
On February 20, 2016, my Nick died. I lost the most important person in my life, and all of our dreams went with him. My calendar said “Your Journey of Joy Starts Today.” (You all know how much I love my Calendar). What did this mean?
Days before my Aunt died she said I would do much bigger things than policing and she said it with such certainty. What did she mean?
Guys, I have to look at these things and follow my gut and my heart, and they are both saying, “Meg, lets start over.”
I will leave you with this……
“Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.”
-John F. Kennedy-
I’ve got this. Just trust me. Be there for me when I cry, but please don’t ever mistake those tears for defeat or regret.
I have a lot of stairs to climb but once I do it will be beautiful.