Written February 19, 2017
I didn’t know it would be our last goodbye…
I made it to Golden safe and sound. The drive was smooth for the most part, but I couldn’t help but reflect on the fact that Nick was making this same drive one year ago, not knowing he wouldn’t return alive.
When I arrived in Golden, I had a sense of peace as if Nick welcomed me with that gorgeous smile I loved and miss so much. I miss that smile that I saw for the last time as he drove away from our house one year ago today. God, I miss that smile.
One year ago I spent the afternoon getting ready for my Vegas trip. I went to get my nails done, and when Nick texted me to ask me what I was doing, I said “getting prettied up Vegas style.”
He told me to come home and say goodbye as he was going to stop home quick before leaving for his weekend trip. I told him I didn’t know if I was going to come home because I wanted to head to the mall after the salon. I had to pick up our wedding rings and I wanted to get there and back before rush hour.
Nick insisted I come home and of course I was easily convinced.
I got home, and Nick was so damned excited for the weekend. I couldn’t believe how much energy he had considering he had no sleep the night before. We were there for about five minutes, and then we both walked out the door.
I hugged him in the street, and this feeling came over me that I have not been able to explain. I hugged him so hard. We laughed and joked about how we didn’t know if we would make it a week with out one another. We had never gone that long. I kissed him long, and I told him not to die. If you have read my earlier blogs, you would know that I actually said those words to him every time he left for sledding.
Nick would always laugh and say, “that’s a stupid thing to say.” Then I would kiss him again. This time I didn’t want to let go.
I can barely type this because I can’t see through my tears. I knew at that moment that I was never going to see Nick again alive. I didn’t make that connection, but my body and my heart and the depths of my soul knew that I would never see that man again and that was our final goodbye.
I got in my car and made my way to the mall. The next thing I am about to say will probably make most people think I am making this up, that or you will think I am crazy. I haven’t shared this with many, but on my way to the mall I thought to myself, “if Nick died, what would I do with his wedding ring?”
For those who question your faith or wonder if there is something beyond this life and bigger than ourselves, I am here to tell you;
there has to be.
Why did I feel these things? Why did I text Nick moments after he drove away, the following:
“Why do I feel so sad? I wanted to cry when you drove away.”
Why didn’t Nick have these same feelings? I didn’t know Nick was going to die but my God I felt broken and so so sad that he had left. Nick went sledding all the time, but this time it hurt. All I could think was that it was because we would be a part for such a long time.
A whole week.
When I got home from the mall, Nick asked me via text if I wanted to play a game.
He started me on a hunt for something he hid for me. He said I needed it for my trip. He went on to ask me where I was in the house and then he would tell me if I was hot or cold. I have this all over text, and it makes me smile to this day. It just shows how romantic that man was.
And he was mine.
I finally found what he hid in the living room inside of a stool box. It was a card with $150 American for my trip to Vegas. I shared this on Facebook not knowing it would become such a cherished memory.
I went to yoga that night and desperately tried to relax. I couldn’t. I was so anxious and on edge about something, and I honestly thought it was just spill over from the chaotic week at work.
When I got home, I texted Nick, and he told me they were going out for a bite to eat. I responded by saying, “I am turning my phone on silent.” I said this because sometimes Nick would call me in the middle of the night on his trips and well one time he was walking back to the hotel, which he couldn’t find, and it was cold. I told him to call the cops cause I was going back to sleep.
He told me he wasn’t drinking and of course, I didn’t believe him. He said, “No seriously, Sheldon is on the same page, and we just want to enjoy the riding.”
Sheldon, he adored you.
I told Nick I was getting tired and I was probably going to fall asleep.
Me: “I might fall asleep.”
Nick: “Ok. Night Night. We’re home eating, then bed.”
Me: “Ok love u.”
Nick: “Love you too babe.”
I went to sleep, and that was the last time I ever spoke to Nick.
I went to sleep not knowing what tomorrow was going to bring.
I went to sleep not knowing everything was about to change, and my life would never be the same again.
“The hardest thing is the last goodbye, especially if you didn’t know it really was the last.” – Unknown-