September 14th. Wow. I can’t even believe it has been almost seven months since Nick died. Guaranteed if he wouldn’t have died, these last few months would have taken forever to pass by because we would have been so damned excited for our wedding day. September 14th. One month away from our wedding day.
Hey, Nick, Moore’s called wanting to know why our groomsmen hadn’t shown up for their fittings yet. The wedding is 30 days away you know. What a fun phone call that was.
I had an extremely intense session with my therapist yesterday, and it left me feeling very unsure and afraid of the next few weeks and months. My nightmares are in full force, and I woke up the other night convinced that my Dad was dead. I had a dream that he walked into my room while I was sleeping just like the one I had of Nick after he died. I was horrified when I woke up. I thought, no way, did my Dad just die, and this is how I am finding out? My therapist said because of the upcoming events and what should have been, my mind is desperately trying to make sense of all of this, and it is very much normal but very painful.
The day before yesterday I met with my surgeon. As I mentioned before, I was supposed to have surgery on June 8th but had to postpone it because I was certainly not in any shape to undergo surgery at that time. I sat in the waiting room waiting for my appointment and eavesdropped on conversations of young couples and new mothers who were also waiting patiently for one of the best endo surgeons in the province. I was feeling sorry for myself, to say the least. Why am I sitting here alone? This is “Our” fertility, where is Nick, why is he not here with me?
The surgeon came in, and we discussed our plan. Before our plan was to preserve fertility for as long as we could so Nick and I could have a decent window of time after our wedding to try and conceive naturally. Today, I am not in a position to even think about having a baby and our plans have changed. My surgeon will be repairing my anatomy and inserting a hormonal intrauterine device which will keep me from getting pregnant for the time being (not that there is any chance of that), and should help with my chronic pain.
Wow. New normal? I’d say. I went from doing everything in my power to repair my reproductive system so I can become pregnant, to inserting a device which will do the complete opposite.
So the last few days I have felt so sorry for myself. Why me? Why Nick? Why now? Why Why Why?
I spent almost two hours at the gym today. I pushed hard. I was dripping by the time I left, and I ran faster than I have in nearly two years. It felt good, but I still left feeling sorry for myself.
I had to take a sleeping pill last night because I haven’t slept in five days, and I desperately needed sleep. I left the gym tonight feeling worried that once again I would spend the night contemplating getting drunk and crying myself to sleep and my entire workout would be a waste. That might still happen, but I hope not, because tonight I had a bit of a wake-up call which changed my perspective which I am going to try to hold on to.
One of my new favourite people sent me a picture tonight of his very good friend grinning from ear to ear. His friend was in the driver’s seat in the boat that they were in out at Shuswap Lake. From the picture I could tell it was an absolutely gorgeous evening and they were having a blast. So what is the significance and why did this have such an impact on my evening?
The man in the picture grinning from ear to ear spends his life in a wheelchair, and he has since 2010 as a result of a spinal cord injury from a snowboard accident. In the photo I see a man wearing a hoodie covered in bright colors and palm trees and one of the most genuine smiles I have ever seen.
I left the gym feeling sorry for myself after spending almost two hours feeling every muscle in my body work and then I received a picure of a man, happy as hell, who spends his life NOT feeling every muscle in his body, but still feeling. In fact he is likely feeling more than many of us probably do on any given day, and living, still living. Probably “LIVING” better than most of us do on any given day.
So I am standing in my kitchen contemplating getting wasted to mask the pain I have had since I was delt such shitty fucking cards and then I get this picture, of this man, who is clearly not wasting time feeling sorry for himself.
I wasn’t planning on writing anything tonight. Haven’t really had too much to say, and I have been too busy sitting around feeling sorry for myself to write anything; but tonight, I had a bit of inspiration and felt the need to send out a bit of a reminder to those of you who think your day might have sucked.
Nick is still dead, and it still hurts so bad, but I am alive. I AM STILL ALIVE. So are you. We get one life, and we have to choose what it’s going to look like, even when times are tough. I know damn well Nick would not want me moping around thinking about what we “would” have been doing right now if he were alive. HE’S NOT ALIVE. But I am.
One thing I have learned is that I can miss Nick and cry for him every day while still honouring and living my life. I can do both. Just because I am choosing to live does not mean I forgot how much of a loss I have endured and how painful it is. What it means is, I am “choosing” to cherish every moment I have on this earth, and trying my very very best not to waste a minute of it feeling sorry for myself.
Tonight I want to encourage you to embrace whatever it is going on in your life RIGHT NOW. Good, bad, ugly, sad, painful, sickening, frustrating, whatever it is, embrace it. Think about the man grinning from ear to ear in the boat. Think about what his day is like. Think about how different your tomorrow could be and think about how you want to spend your last day, before tomorrow comes.
One thing I have tried to say to myself every night before lying down is this, “today was okay, but tomorrow WILL be better.” Sometimes it’s not better, but I have to go to sleep believing that it will be otherwise I won’t want to wake up.
Now and then you are shown something or experience something that changes your perspective. If you haven’t had that yet today, please let this be it.
Remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Food, water, shelter, self-love, and love from others. Do you have all these things? If so, your life is beautiful, and everything else doesn’t matter. Go to bed tonight telling yourself what you are grateful for and hug those you love.
Tonight I will go to sleep being thankful for the people I have met and the inspiring stories I have heard, for these are the stories that keep me strong. These are the stories that remind me that I am given one life, and I have to make the CHOICE how to live it. These stories change my perspective, and these stories make me smile.
Today’s entry on my calendar says as follows:
“Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today” – Will Rogers-