This week started with a Mother’s Day baby shower. My Mom was working, but that didn’t mean I didn’t stop to recognize how lucky I am to have the Mom that I do. My Mom not only spent her 60th birthday at Nick’s funeral but she loved him like a son while he was alive and has continued to love him as a son now that he is gone. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and think about all that I have lost and then I remember that I am not alone in this loss. My Mom (and Dad of course but this blog is Mother’s Day related) is grieving Nick in a way that is different than me. My Mom was in the middle of planning a wedding for her only daughter and looking forward to grandbabies. The last time I was with my Mom before Nick died was when we picked out the most beautiful wedding dress I had ever seen. My Mom went from discussing wedding details to funeral details in a matter of days and somehow, with the help of others, kept me alive through it all. I bought my Mom flowers on Mothers Day, but I will never be able to thank her enough for helping me through this and for being the Mother everyone should have.
Back to the baby shower for baby Blakely. I tossed around the idea of going to this baby shower since just days after Nick died. Jennie and I have been friends for over 26 years. Nick was so excited about baby J- Wow and I knew there would be lots of ladies there I hadn’t seen since the funeral. I didn’t decide until literally one hour before that I was going to go. I know this was Nick saying, “get your ass out of bed and go to that damn shower.” I used to feel uncomfortable at baby showers being the single woman who will likely never get married, but I am here to tell you, being the recent widow is a lot more uncomfortable. Thank you, Stacey, for bringing the wine.
As much as I didn’t want to go, I am glad I did. Baby Blakely looked cute as ever, and there was something so amazing about watching Jennie, our little Jennie, being showered with gifts for her new sweet baby girl. I also had an interesting conversation with my friend Jody who told me about a dream she had of Nick. Keep in mind; Jody had only ever met Nick once. She told me Nick won $46,000,002.00. She also said that Nick and I were teaching her dance lessons. I thought Nick got out of the dance lessons by dying one month before we were supposed to start but according to Jody, he didn’t, and we were really good.
Jody said she has a dream book, and she often analyses her dreams she has. Her book said this about her dream:
“Dreaming of winning the lottery means they’ve achieved something great and taken a chance on something. Dancing dreams mean the achievement or desire for harmony/well being or the release of strong emotions”.
I am not going to lie, when I showed up at the shower it felt a little awkward. Most people were mingling, and I was just, standing in the kitchen trying to be as normal as I could be, but it was awkward, and I was trying so hard not to cry. As I have said before, some people just don’t know what to say, and I really can’t blame them. We aren’t 85 years old, so it isn’t exactly normal to have a widow in the room. Then out of nowhere my friend Christine, who I hadn’t spoken to in a long time, walked right up to me and said, “I just want to hug you.” Let me make it clear, it wasn’t one of those weird awkward; I am just going to do this cause I have to type of hugs. I could tell that she was genuine. She just said, “I don’t know what to say, but I just needed to hug you.” It meant so much to me because when many people just “avoid” out of fear, Christine walked right into that shit storm having no idea what to expect. Of course, we cried but then we talked about a medium she had been to in the past, and it made me instantly intrigued. I believe Christine needed to tell me about his medium, and her experience and Nick helped her have the courage to do it.
I want to talk more about my interest in Mediums in another blog, but today I want to share something about the rest of my week. This week was hard. I spent Tuesday with my psychologist, and we talked a lot about the circumstances of Nick’s death as we do in most of our sessions. Nick’s death is something that has haunted me day and night since the moment I found out what happened. We talked about this and some other toxins for almost two hours, and I will admit I was feeling a bit more at peace when I left. I knew I was going to have nightmares again but for the moment, I felt okay. This was good.
When I left the doctors, I looked at my phone and had an e-mail from my lawyer, who has been fantastic by the way. Those of you who are close to Nick and I know the legal nonsense I have been dealing with involving Nick’s estate over the last two months and let’s just say this e-mail put me over the edge.
The next day I thought more and more about all of this and how all I was trying to do was help and do what was right, and I was being treated like I was some un-trustworthy random girl who just happened to be dating Nick (which all those who matter, know isn’t true). I have been hesitant to write about this stuff, but I have come to realize that this is very important in part of my healing. On Wednesday, I ended up having one of the worst anxiety attacks I have had since Nick died and pretty much tore my house apart looking for an Ativan. I never did find the Ativan. I am sharing this because this was one of the scariest moments of my life and I could not seem to get myself under control. I couldn’t find the Ativan and just made my way back to bed. When I laid down, I was in a complete full on ugly cry panic, and I was begging Nick to help me. All of a sudden my legs and arms went numb, and I felt calm. I felt Nick’s presence, and he came to me in one of the worst moments I have had since he has been gone and he helped me figure out what to do.
I made the decision to cut ties from the toxins that were using up all of the little energy I had, and I told my lawyer I was finished fighting. I was walking away. I realized that all I wanted to do was what was right for Nick but in doing so I was being exposed to the greed and selfishness that comes when people die, and it was eating me alive. Nick deserved better, but everyone knows how much I loved Nick, and everyone knows that this was never about the money for me, this was about doing what Nick would have wanted to see done. Nick knows I did my best but it’s over now, and you know what? I feel better. Now I can focus my efforts on what is important, and that is getting my life back and carrying on in a way that honors not only myself but Nick. I WILL be okay and I will forever do what is right for my Nick because I love him and I always will.
Today I looked at my calendar from Nick, and this is what it said:
“Hope is always available to us. When we feel defeated, we need only take a deep breath and say, “Yes”, and hope will reappear.” -Monroe Forester-