I think I speak for everyone when I say I can not believe it has been two years. I just asked a friend the other day if it would ever feel more like my past, and not as if it had just happened.
I still feel every feeling I felt that day and the days after Nick left us. I try not to take myself back there as often anymore because it truly hurts, but at the same time; I never want to forget. Those feelings remind me that if I can get through that first year, I CAN get through anything.
In the second year, I have tried more so to remember the times I had with Nick that were filled with love, laughter, and pure enjoyment. Those thoughts bring me peace and help me to continue moving forward.
I often think about what I have overcome in the last two years, and it goes far beyond the loss of Nick. I have overcome loss of dreams, loss of my home, and the loss of stable finances. I have had to dig deep to pull myself out of pure anger and feelings of betrayal, and I have had to force myself to see the good and the possible silver lining in all of this.
In the first year, I often found myself getting stuck in such a dark place when I focused on all that was unfair. I found myself at the bottom of a bottle when I concentrated on what I lost and not on what I gained.
Focusing on the positives is much easier said than done, but it is a game changer when your mindset shifts.
Two years later and I am in love with my life again.
Anyone who walked with me through my grief knows that I never believed this would happen, nor did I want it to. I felt anger towards those who suggested I would love again and I wanted to boycott anything I read that said I would once again be okay; it would just take time.
For those who are in the early stages of their grief, if you are reading this, your feelings are real, and even though chances are good you will be okay; I completely understand why you don’t want to believe that.
It is the most difficult thing to grasp when you have just lost your person or anyone close to you. How could you ever recover from their loss? Why would you ever want to?
I get it, and I feel for anyone who is struggling through that right now because it is the scariest place I have ever been.
Two years later and I am in love again.
This anniversary was different because as I drank my coffee this morning, I tried to make sense of my emotions. I am heartbroken because I miss Nick and would give anything for him to come home, but at the same time, I don’t want to change a thing about my life as it is now. I didn’t have this clarity a year ago.
Over the last year, my relationship with Nick has felt different, and it has been something that has been difficult for me to accept. I have turned to him in times of struggle, and I have turned to him in times of joy and celebration. I feel his spirit often, and it’s not in the same way I felt it before.
I don’t feel him as an intimate partner anymore,
I feel him as my guide.
I remember the first time I found myself going to him after I met Scott. It was the strangest feeling because Nick would never have been okay with this if he was still alive, but I feel deep in my heart that he is watching down on Scott and me, and guiding us through this life together as individuals and as a couple.
Trust me; this is an extremely unusual feeling but its the best feeling because I don’t have to let go of Nick and I never will; I just had to change the way in which I viewed our relationship.
Two years have gone by, and I am a new person.
I remember writing the following in one of my entries:
The girl I used to be had fear and the girl I am now fears nothing because the worst thing that could have ever happened to her has happened, and now she must find a way to heal, she must find a way to survive.
The girl I used to be is gone, and the girl I am now hasn’t been found yet.
I remember the pain I felt writing this blog and having no idea where I was going or what I was going to do.
Two years later and I have been found, and I truly believe I would not be this same person had Nick not died. I am proud of who I am, and I am blessed to be on a path that I know without a doubt is the one I am supposed to be on.
Each time these anniversaries arrive I am more thankful.
Nick’s death brought me perspective, compassion, and empathy but it did not define me. Nicks death did not destroy me but it was the catalyst to change, and it was the reason my life is on track.
Not easy, but on track.
Nick’s death did not destroy me, but I thought it was going to. When describing that first day, I wrote the following one year ago today:
That night when I got home, I went straight to my room. My closet first to find Nick’s smell and then his side of the bed. I just cried. There is no fucking way I am going to survive this, nor do I want to. I was already coming up with ideas on how I was going to kill myself, and as you know, this didn’t go away for quite some time.
Now being two years out I look back at that girl, and I would give anything to hug her. She was lost, broken, and most of all hopeless. That girl had no idea what this universe had in store for her, and even though she would never have wanted to hear it, I would have loved to give her just a small glimpse of her future so she could see just how beautiful it was going to be.
I am no longer just surviving; I am living.
Even though so much has changed the one thing that hasn’t is the love I have for Nick Roberts. As I’ve said a million times before he was a genuine soul and made a mark on many of our hearts. As the years go by I will continue to carry his memory and allow his spirit to be present in my new life.
June 27, 2016 – Today I traveled down the highway on the way home from Saskatchewan with Nick’s ashes beside me. I looked at him and said “I am going to live this life for both of us. I don’t know when I am going to feel better, and I don’t know when I am going to stop crying, but I am going to live. For both of us.”
I think I finally figured out how to live for both of us. I love you, my sweet Nick. We miss you more than words can describe.
Go Rest High On That Mountain my love <3