One Month

Yesterday was one month since Nick passed away. It was a difficult day for me because the first thing I thought of when I woke up was that one month ago, at this exact moment, Nick was thinking of me. I woke up yesterday at just about the same time Nick sent me the last text message I would ever receive from him. “Good morning gorgeous” is what it said.

I have spent all day today looking at text messages between him and I. I have mine backed up on icloud all the way to April 2015. My Dad and I have been scrambling to find a way to get our messages on my icloud from the beginning because I find such great comfort reading them. Nick has all of our text messages right from the very first one. He always had to add more storage to his phone so he wouldn`t have to delete them. That is just one of many things that made Nick the sweetest man I knew. The problem is I don`t have his password and at this point, we can`t crack into his phone. Nick and I talked every day, all day long, for two and a half years. I need those messages. I feel like I could write a book called, “How to treat a woman well“, and use most of his messages he sent to me as examples. I have said that Nick was amazing to me, but I forgot just how amazing until I read through our messages.

Over the last months, I have only had a few regrets. I know in the eulogy for Nick I said I didn`t have any regrets, but over the last month, I have thought of a few.

My first regret I had right from the first day I found out Nick was gone was that I did all of our laundry. There was not a single piece of laundry, not even bed sheets that I didn`t wash. I wanted to make sure the laundry was done, and the house was clean for when Nick got home because I was supposed to be away for a week to Vegas. One of the first things I did when I got home the day Nick died was went straight to the closet. I was looking for anything that smelt like him that I could sleep with, but it occurred to me, that I had washed his scent off absolutely everything. My first suggestion to everyone is to always make sure you have at least one pile of dirty laundry. All I have left with his scent is his stinky sledding gear.

The second regret is not having more videos. I know Nick has tons of videos on his phone, and I have found a few on mine, but the one thing I have wanted from the start is anything with the sound of Nick`s voice. Even his friends have asked me for videos with Nick just simply talking. I remember having this feeling when my Aunt passed away too. All I wanted was to hear her voice again. I have a video on my phone that I received from my cousin of my aunt dancing and laughing just days after she was diagnosed with cancer. I still watch it regularly. My second suggestion is to take your phone or camera or whatever you use and just record your loved ones talking and having fun. It may seem uncomfortable and annoying at the time, but I am telling you, it will make you very happy if you someday lose someone.

Number three. If you want to marry someone, and you have both agreed to get married, JUST DO IT. I was so in love with Nick, and I couldn`t wait to call him my husband. I couldn`t wait to promise him the world and share my love for him with my vows. I had so many things I wanted to say to him on our wedding day, but I didn`t get the chance because we decided to spend a whole year planning just one special day. Don`t get me wrong; I always dreamed of the fairy tale wedding, but as someone who has lost her entire world, I am here to tell you that every day is fragile, and you need to think about what you really want. Is it the party and the fancy decorations or is it the moment you get to have with your best friend when you both say, “I do”? I would give anything to have one more day with Nick so that I could become his wife. Don’t wait because it doesn’t matter how many contracts you sign or invitations you send out; it doesn’t guarantee that special day will come.

I didn’t get that day with Nick and all I have now are his ashes around my neck along with his thumbprint on a chain. I have a wedding dress that will never be seen walking down an aisle and a million cancellation e-mails from different wedding vendors and hotels.

My regrets are what many of us find ourselves doing or not doing. We honestly go to bed every night believing that tomorrow will be another day and all will be well, but sometimes God has a different plan. Someday when I get all of our text messages, I am going to share some of the things Nick said to me. Nick was an amazing man and treated me like a woman should be treated. Trust me; Nick was no push over. He told me many times where to go and how to get there, and I believe that is one of the reasons my family loved him so much. But at the end of the day, Nick loved me and wasn’t afraid to show it. I honestly believe that many people, not just men, could learn from some of the conversations Nick, and I had, and I am going to share them. Even the text messages we had when we were fighting you could tell that all either of us wanted for each other, was happiness. I don’t know if the reason all of this happened was so people could learn from our relationship. I don’t know why I had a feeling Nick was going to die and then he did. All I keep saying to myself is there has to be a reason, and all you can do is share everything with everyone. I loved Nick, and I loved to hate Nick sometimes too, but our love was so strong that nothing could break us apart.

I broke up with Nick for a whole week at the beginning of our relationship. I thought he was too negative. That was the longest week of my life. I remember texting him saying, “I changed my mind.” He said, “I am on my way.” I could not go another minute without him, and we agreed at that time that no matter what, we would figure out a way to make it work. It wasn’t long after that that we told each other the “L” word. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life because we waited about six months before we said it. After we had said it, we both discussed that we felt it after about three weeks. Neither one of us wanted to say it until we knew for sure. We never toyed with the word “Love”. We said it not because it was a habit but because we meant it.

I thought Nick was negative at the beginning but looking back now it wasn’t that he was a negative person, it was just that he trusted me and loved me enough to share every emotion he had with me. There was nothing I didn’t know about Nick and nothing he didn’t know about me. We saw each other at our absolute worst, and we still loved each other. That is love. I challenge everyone to love each other like that.

My parents have been married for almost 40 years. My parents have not had an easy road. My parents have dealt with the worst and to this day they are still walking beside each other through the worst days of their daughter’s life. My parents met and married when they were very young and had been together ever since. Nick and I often talked about this. I told him if you ever decide to marry me you better understand that it is forever. I told him I would not be getting a divorce over some stupid disagreement. I said, “don’t you put a ring on my finger until you are sure.” You could never make Nick do anything he didn’t want to, and when he propose to me, I knew he was ready.

It has been a month since I lost Nick and all I keep asking myself is why? Why did we have to be the wake-up call and the example for everyone else? We didn’t need to learn this lesson; we were doing everything right. I have to believe that our story is meant to be shared so that people understand how fragile time is and how important love is. I will talk about how amazing of a man Nick was everyday for the rest of my life and if that changes one relationship for the better, then we have done our job. If God’s plan for Nick and me was to share our love and teach, then that is what we will do. Nick is giving me the strength to share our story, and I will do it every day until my last day on this earth.

“Death may indeed be final, but the love we share while living is eternal.”

-Don Williams Jr-

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